The Onion – Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine. The head ripping off machine doesn’t require an operator to flip a switch because it automatically kills anyone who sits in its chair.
The Onion – How To Channel Your Road Rage Into Cold, Calculating Road Revenge. Our guest says don’t give into road rage, stay calm behind the wheel and coolly plot your revenge.
The Onion – George W. Bush Debuts New Paintings Of Dogs, Friends, Ghost Of Iraqi Child That Follows Him. George W. Bush may be retired from politics, but he is keeping busy with his new hobby of painting.
The Onion – Should We Do More To Reduce Violence In Our Dreams. Now I have a recurring dream where I kill each one of you with a hack saw.
New Marijuana Study Confirms Everyone Knows You’re High And You Will Be Stoned Forever. Your parents know you’re high. Your friends know you’re high, strangers on the street know you’re high. News And Politics Transcript.
The Onion – Netflix Introduces New Browse Endlessly Plan. Just browse endlessly without watching any videos. Comedy Transcript.
The Onion – Olympic Village Tour: See Where The Athletes Live, Train And Each Other. Absolutely, all these athletes are hot, horny, ready to go. They deserve the best. The Onion Covering The Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics Transcript.
The Onion – Bloomberg Defends NYPD’s Controversial Stop And Kiss Program. Come on, man. They just kissed me two blocks ago. Come on, man, I didn’t do anything! Complete Full News Transcript.
The Onion – CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO. Getting hired by his father, his father’s retirement, and a few lucky breaks in between. Complete Full Transcript.
Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted By 2013. If we don’t act now, the down to earth Miley, who likes text messaging with her friends and playing guitar in her bedroom will be wiped off the earth forever.