Patton Oswalt – Rats & Orgy
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[Patton Oswalt – Rats & Orgy]
[Patton Oswalt] Source: LYBIO.net
And Rats – My wife saw a rat in our backyard, Wednesday July 2 of last year, I’m out doing errands, driving around, I get a call, I just saw a rat in the backyard, if you see one, there is a 1,000, we’re infested, you’ve got to call an exterminator. And on the phone, I say, yes, well, you don’t worry about it and in my head I am thinking, she is full of shit. She saw a squirrel; she is freaking out, didn’t see a rat.
But I call every exterminator in the book, they all said the same thing, it’s the fourth of July weekend, no one is coming out till Monday, no one, fuck.
Next day, Thursday July 3, we have a couple of friends over; we are sitting in my tiny concrete backyard. And at the far end of the backyard, there is a telephone line goes over the yard, I’m facing the telephone line, my wife and her friends have their back to it. We are talking, we’re eating hotdogs, drinking beer.
One point, I look up, running across the telephone line is a squirrel, I go: sweetie, excuse me, turn around, isn’t that what you saw? Then she turns around, uh that’s a squirrel, I saw a rat, I know the difference between a rat and a squirrel. Now, she is fucking lying, that’s what I’m thinking. She realizes she saw a squirrel, doesn’t want to get caught in front of her friend, so, she is lying, so she looks, and now I have to hire an exterminator to support that lie, and I’m pissed off.
Thirty seconds goes by, I have another bite of hotdog, another sip of beer, 30 seconds goes by, I look back up running across the telephone line, biggest rat I have ever seen. It looked like Danny Devito in a rat costume; it’s just – like hi, hello. So, I’m staring at this thing, out of the sky comes this huge hawk comes blazing out of the sky, gets its claws into the rat, the rat makes this other-wordly shriek, the hawk to tries to fly away with the rat. The rat is too big and muscular – the hawk can only get it two inches off of the line, drops it into our neighbor’s yard, hits the top of their tool shed, blam, rolls off and hits the ground, splat and all their kids start screaming.
Now, everything that I just told you happened in the space of 60 seconds – that was the time like in 60 seconds – this was the sequence of events. Sweaty, is that what you saw, no that’s a squirrel, I saw a rat, she is full of shit, eek, eek, eek, swoop, claw, lift, drop, blam, splat, ah, ah, ah, in 60 seconds.
[Patton Oswalt] Source: LYBIO.net
The – I feel like doing research, is there a forgotten Sumerian prankster god and his feast day is July 3rd. He has got one worshipper left and the dude, killed a goat over a copper bowl and it gave the prankster god 40 seconds of power in our realm. He just poofed into being and went, Did someone in Burbank just say there’s no rats? Well, beans and grapes, what jokes and japes I’ll play. I need a telephone line, a hawk and the biggest rat you’ve ever seen. Oh, this shall be a naughty caprice, don’t forget to kill the goat next year, poof, gone.
Now, we have to find the new house. We’ve been looking for houses, we have been house hunting for two months now, and a month ago at 10:00 am on a Sunday, our realtor, me, and my wife interrupted an orgy, we interrupted an orgy. We were told go to this house at 10:00 am, we’ll take a tour. We knock on the door, we wait no one answers, we are just about to leave, we were just about to walk away. Door opens, there is this guy, oh, wow, uh that’s right you guys were going to look at the house. We, a bunch of my friends came by, when he said the word by, this wave of fuck fumes came rolling out of the house, hit us, he – he – he sees that we have smelled it, we see that he sees that we have smelled it and instead of everybody just going goodbye, now the social contract kicks in and we’ve got a cover because we are civilized human beings.
So, he says, would you like to take a tour of the house (because you did not just catch me fucking dozens of people), and we have to respond of course we like to tour the house (because in no way have we caught you fucking dozens of people).
So, in we go into this enchanted forest of cock shafts and labias, it was – yes, exactly, we walk inside, there are air mattresses all over the floor, people are scattering everywhere. At one point, this busty Russian girl comes out, putting a robe on, oh my goodness the cleaning lady did not come by, oh, you’re not even fucking trying, really? That was the first thing you thought of. Yeah, the cleaning lady didn’t come by at 10:00 am on a Sunday. You should fire that bitch, that’s really unprofessional. Everyone knows Saturday night is fuck night, bring three buckets.
So, we’re just trying to get this over with, and then a guy, well a blonde 17-year-old kid comes out of the bathroom and he has got Craigslist Hookup written all over him. This was a we need a 14th, so he comes out of the bathroom and he got dressed and he put on whatever was in the bathroom to wear, and here is what was in the bathroom. A pair of girl’s sweatpants that he has put on backwards, so the word juicy is across his groin. Juicy, juicy, which I hate to say probably factually accurate. Then, he is also wearing a girls’ tank top from The Gap, aqua blue or whatever it was and he comes out and with no one asking him a question or even looking at him.
He announces, well, everyone I’m leaving goodbye, so that ensures everyone, turns and looks as he opens the sliding glass back door, and just walks away from that, we are in the fucking Hollywood Hills, there is nothing back there. There is no other roads, he is just walking into the trees and bushes barefoot, they are like, where the fuck is he going? There he goes sweetie. There goes fucksquatch through the underbrush, look at that, a rare sighting of that cryptozoological marvel.
[Patton Oswalt] Source: LYBIO.net
Honey, get your camera, take a blurry picture of fucksquatch, oh fucksquatch what secrets do you hide? Then, we are driving away from the house and that’s when my wife says, I think everyone in that house was fucking each other. I was like, and you’re just now realizing that, we were standing in a fog bank of twat mist for 10 minutes, we’re going home to burn our clothing and it just now hit you.
Patton Oswalt – Rats & Orgy. Now, everything that I just told you happened in the space of 60 seconds. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.