Jerry Seinfeld – Stand Up Routine

Jerry Seinfeld – Stand Up Routine

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[Jerry Seinfeld – Stand Up Routine]

[Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld (born April 29, 1954)] Source: LYBIO.net
Do the people that work in these little shops in the airport have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world?! Ya 14 dollars? Tuna sandwich, we think that fair, that’s what we charge in our country.

Then you get on the plane. The pilot’s of course always has to come on the P.A. system. This guy is so excited about being a Pilot that he can’t even ___ himself.

Well, I’m gonna take it up to about 20,000. And then I’m gonna make a left by Pittsburgh and then I’m gonna make a right by Chicago, then I’m gonna bring it down to 15,000 – the whole route, all his moves, we are in the back going, yah, fine, that’s – just do what ever the hell you gotta do, end up where it says on the ticket, really, that’s all my concern.

Do I bother him, with what I’m doing, knocking on the cockpit door, “I’m having the peanuts now. Yeah, that’s what we’re doing back here. Thought I’d keep you posted. I’m not gonna have them all now. I’m gonna have a few. I don’t wanna finish it because it’s such a big bag!

Then the stewardess has to come out, they have to do their emergency equipment show, you know that thing they do, one reads it, the other one acts it out. Hey we have seat-belts, oxygen masks and things for you to use….

They show you how to use a seat-belt, in case you haven’t been in a car since 1965. “Oh you lift up on the buckle, ohhhh !!! I was trying to just break the metal apart ! I thought that’s how it works. I was going to try to tear the fabric part of the belt. I thought if I could just get it started…”.

And they always point out the emergency exits with that vague point, isn’t it. (points in various directions) Where the hell would these places be, would you say?

Planes at a 90 degree angle your hair is on fire and your looking for this (various exit doors) how do you think your gonna do there?

She’s thinking I’m getting out before your getting out. Your dead(pointing), your dead(pointing), I’m gone.

And we have to close that first class curtain, too, and they always give you that look. Maybe if you’d worked a little harder. I wouldn’t have to do this” (imitates curtain being closed) vshhhh.

Anyways why is McDonald’s still counting, this is really insecure isn’t it? 40 zillion – 80 million-billion killion tillion. What what what is this? Does it mean anything to anyone, 89 billion sold. Okay! I’ll have one! I would love to met the Chairman of the Board at McDonald’s and just say to him, look we all get it. You’ve sold a lot of hamburgers whatever the hell the number is! Just put up a sign McDonald’s – we are doing very well. I don’t need to hear about every God Damn one of them! What is their ultimate goal to have cows just surrendering voluntarily or something – showing up at the door, we like to turn ourselves in, we see the sign. We realize we have very little chance out there. We like to be a happy meal if that’s all possible.

How do they know that is the definite exact day, you know they don’t say it like in the vincinity, give or take, roughly, they brand it right in the side of the ___ and they (sizzle sound for animal branding) That’s your god damn day right there. Oh don’t screw with us. We know what day is the final day and then it is so over.

Ever had milk the day after the day? Scares the hell outta you, doesn’t it? The spoon is trembling as it comes out of the bowl, it’s after the day, I’m taking a big chance! I smelled it, you smell it, what is it supposed to smell like ?! It smelled like milk to me!. I don’t know how they are so definite though! Maybe the cows tip them off when they’re milking them…

[Jerry Speaks As A Cow]:
“July 3rd”.

[Jerry Seinfeld] Source: LYBIO.net
I’m very impressed with that seedless watermelon product they have for us, they’ve done it. We have seedless watermelon. Pretty amazing! What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon, I wonder… The melons aren’t humping they must be planting something. How does this work? And what kind of scientists do this type of work?

And what kind of scientists do this kind of work, I read a thing that it was 15 years into development in the laboratories you know gene splicing or whatever they do there, I don’t’ know. Other scientists working on AIDS, cancer, heart disease, these guys are going “no, I gonna devote myself to melon. I think that’s much more important. Sure, thousands are dying needlessly, but this (makes seed spitting sound) -poom- …that’s gotta stop.

And have you ever tried and pick a wet one(seed) off the floor, that’s almost impossible. I really think we should devote our money to these studies.

And I know women don’t understand men. There are women looking at me right now and wonder what goes on in that little brain of his. I bet you I can manipulate that brain. I bet you, you could. I bet you women would like t to know what men are really thinking. The truth! The honest truth of what men are thinking? Cause I could tell you! Would you like to know? Source: LYBIO.net

[Audience] Source: LYBIO.net
Ya(cheers and applauds)

[Jerry Seinfeld] Source: LYBIO.net
I’ll tell you. (pauses) Nothing.

We’re not thinking anything. We’re just walking around, looking around. This is the only natural inclination of men. We just kind of check stuff out. We work cause they force us to, but other than that this is the only thing we really want to do.

We like women. We want women. But that’s pretty much as far as we’ve thought. That’s why we’re honking car horns, yelling from construction sites, these are the best ideas we’ve had so far. Honking the car horn, amazes me! This has gotta be the last living brain cell in this guys skull that comes up with this idea! I don’t understand – it’s so awful – she’s on the street, he’s in the car “beep beep, brrrrrrr…(drives away). I think I made my point.

What is she supposed to do, kick off the heels, start running after the car. Grab on to the bumper. The car comes to a stop, “it’s a good think you honked! I had no idea how you felt”

I have to bet on this idiot, I’m sure the horses have some idea that the Jockey is in a big hurry. He’s on him, he’s hitting him with the stick, he’s going, come on, come on, this is obviously, he’s in a hurry, the Jockey is in a hurry, but the horse must get to the end, we were just here, what was the point of that!? This is where we were! That was the longest possible route you could take! If we just stayed here, we would of been first. I’ll tell you what the horse definitely do not know, they do not know that you should accidentally trip and break your leg at any point during the race – we blow your brains out. I think they are missing that tid-bit of little information, I think if they knew that you’d see some mighty careful stepping coming down that home stretch! Take it easy, take it easy, you win, I’ll place, whatever! The important thing is your health.

Jerry Seinfeld – Stand Up Routine. The truth! The honest truth of what men are thinking? Cause I could tell you! Would you like to know? [Audience]: Ya(cheers and applauds). [Jerry Seinfeld]: I’ll tell you. (pauses) Nothing. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text To Jerry Seinfeld – Stand Up Routine.