Ingrid Nilsen – Something I Want You To Know – Coming Out
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[Ingrid Nilsen – Something I Want You To Know – Coming Out]
[Ingrid Nilsen:] Source: LYBIO.net
Okay. I’m doing this, all right, um…I guess, I am just going to get right to it, um… there’s something that I want you to know, and that something is ‘I’m gay’. ‘It feels so good to say that’. ‘It’s so good and I didn’t bring tissues.’
I’m shaking right now, because I – this moment is real and it’s here, and I have been waiting for this a long time.
So I am sitting here today because I care about you guys, you have been a part of my life for the past, you know, almost six years, and this is a really big part of my life, and I want to sit down, and talk to you and have this conversation just like I’ve had this conversation with friends and people who are close to me in my life.
I guess uh… the only place that I really know where to start is with a question that I got asked a lot and that is, how slash / when did you know that you were gay?
This is a simple, a complicated answer, simple because it’s just something that I’ve always known from like my earliest memories, but complicated because it’s hard to put that into words to describe that, it’s just like, it’s just been there, this is not something that I chose, it is something that is a part of me and has always been a part of me.
I remember, you know, being as young as like four, because I was in daycare and living my life as probably my truest and purest self, because I didn’t really have anything else influencing me, I was just — going about my life as a kid and my natural attraction was towards girls; all my crushes were exclusively on girls. And that changed when influences started to come in as I got older.
So that leads us into the next part which is, you know, if I’ve known all this time what the heck happened? [sighs] Here is what happened in a condensed nutshell because there’s a lot that has happened. Essentially, I grew up in an environment where homosexuality was not universally accepted. Um…it was accepted by some but definitely not the majority. And that was difficult, very difficult.
I’m not going to go into specific details because this is something that is very, very personal and I want to keep that private. I felt the need to take this part of me and put it in a cabinet and lock it up really tight and I shoved it in a corner because I basically was seeking love and approval. Uh… and so I decided that I would start living this life that I really want to live, but I was going to do it because I wanted to be loved and I wanted to be accepted.
So growing up was interesting, suppressing this from a very, very, very young age, there’s a point when I was in 7th grade where a boy called me a lesbian. And to be perfectly honest I was definitely probably staring at girls in my classes, I know I definitely did this because I would think about what it would be like to hold their hands and kiss them and I probably stared a lot.
I don’t know what compelled him to call me a lesbian exactly, but he did. At the time I didn’t know what that meant. I could just tell from his tone that it was said in a derogatory way. And so when I found out what the word ‘lesbian’ means, I – my first reaction was well, why is that a bad thing? That’s me.
[Ingrid Nilsen:] Source: LYBIO.net
And so just more, and more and more suppression, layers, and layers and layers, and then later down the line lots of dating guys. And this is a hard thing for me to talk about because I care about, the people that I’ve been in relationships with and I respect their relationships, the fact that I’m gay does not change that.
I’m sure most of you know, I have dated guys and I was in a relationship and that relationship has ended. And I’m not going to go into, you know, specifics about my relationships because — that’s not what this is about. I will say though that I feel really, really lucky because the last man that I was with and will ever be with has just been so kind and respectful and supportive through all of this.
And I feel really, really lucky to have somebody like that in my life and you’ve been with somebody like that. I’m going try my best and walk you through my mindset, the inner workings of my brain during this time where I dated guys. I can care about a man, but I cannot be in love with a man, and I cannot give myself fully and completely to a man physically, emotionally because it’s just – it’s not in my nature and I just kept telling myself, you know, this isn’t bad to like, you know, you can go through the emotions of this; you can date guys its fine. It’s not ideal but it’s not horrific or anything, you know, so many other people have it way worse in the world, and I was just living this quietly, unhappy life, um where I just kept telling myself essentially, that I wasn’t worthy of happiness, and that I wasn’t worthy of true love coming from both sides and I didn’t deserve it, that’s essentially what I was telling myself this entire time.
I have had this wall up for so much of my life but it wasn’t like this break or stonewall, I’ve described it to my friends as this glass wall, where you could see me, but you’re never getting all of me, because there were still that barrier there. And I pushed so many people away especially girls and women because I was afraid, I was afraid of getting too close and developing feelings and then just I didn’t, I didn’t even want to know what would happen; I was so afraid; and I felt like I did not deserve to be happy.
I was in this constant cycle of distraction and suppression, distraction and suppression, distraction, you know – running around and dating guys and then suppressing, everything that I was really, really feeling on the inside and pushing people away that could have added so much to my life and could have helped me.
But, I was — I just wasn’t ready.
And one of the hardest things for me is I have harbored so much guilt over the years because of, you know, my relationships and because I knew that I wasn’t giving myself fully.
It sucks to know that you’ve put another person through that and you’ve like could have dragged them through the mud with you, while you’re just so confused and just all over the place.
I eventually realized and came to terms with the facts that I will never be able to fully give myself to a man.
In a real relationship. It’s a two-way deal, it’s not one sided. One person shouldn’t just be spewing love on to the other one while the other one is like ehh, or running away.
Both people should be in the relationship, both people should be present in the relationship, because both people are worthy of a full life and love.
[Ingrid Nilsen:] Source: LYBIO.net
I can’t believe I’m about to say this but its part of my story and I’m not ashamed of who I am.
Uh… between my relationships with guys I have had encounters with women and again I’m not going to go into specific details because this is not, you know, about that, this is not intimate details of Ingrid’s sex life.
So yeah, this is – this is very different.
But I will say that when I have kissed girls with no feelings attached, it felt, ‘oh my god like this is what I am supposed to be doing’.
I remember thinking my mind this was pretty good and I don’t even have feelings for this person.
Imagine if I had feelings, shit! Suppress, suppress, suppress, suppress, suppress, shove it down, shove it down, shove it down.
So now let’s fast forward to last year, 25, was definitely one of my most challenging years of life to date. I was struggling with a lot of things internally this being the main thing. There is a point last year where I dropped everything and left for New York for a couple of months, it’s because this part of me was – it was coming out, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I dropped everything and I just had to get out and I just had to be on my own and explore myself and just be with myself because I’ve never really spent time with myself like that before. And I remember being in New York and finding this song called ‘Secret’, there’s a part in a song where it says, ‘and now I know I can’t deny my nature’ and when I heard that part I think I lost it, because I knew – I knew that this was on the horizon, I knew that I was going to be taking this piece of me out of that cabinet.
I didn’t know how, I didn’t know when — but I knew it wasn’t going to be easy because I was so afraid of, you know, hurting somebody else.
I was afraid I was being selfish. [sighs] And I could just stay in this and it would be fine and okay; and I kept telling myself it’s not fair to anybody, it’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to a person that I’m in a relationship with, if I’m not giving myself fully to them, if I can’t actually, really, truly, deeply, love all of them, what am I doing, they – they deserve a full life, I deserve a full life and the day that I told, my first friend, I just remember waking up and feeling like I got to get outside, I need to get out.
So I got to my car and I just drove, I had no direction, whatsoever and I just got out and drove and drove and drove and I drove for about 50 miles up the coast. And I stopped when I felt like, it felt right, I pulled over and I sat on this rock that was overlooking
the ocean and I sat there for a while and the thing that kept playing over and over my head was we all deserve our best chance.
And it’s time for me to give myself my best chance, I just felt like I was going to burst, if I didn’t tell somebody. The first person that came to my mind was my friend [Kate], and so I basically just kind of bugged all day to see, if I could come over, she’s amazing and I love her and I just sat and talked to her and I – I told her everything and she was just the best, she is best, it felt so good to just tell somebody because I – I was ready, and I just — I just feels so, oh my god – it’s so – so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful people around me and I feel like I’ve gotten closer to all of them because of this and the things that they have said to me and the way that they just touched me, they have touched my heart.
It just means so much to me its like, how did I get so lucky to have these people around and I will say that one of the most comforting thing’s for me throughout this entire experience was talking to people that are close to me and having some of them say, you know, ‘I knew’, ‘well I know’, ‘well I kind of always had a feeling’ and I was not expecting that response from anybody, but to have these people say that to me it was unexpectedly probably the most comforting thing that I could hear because it was like, oh my god, I am – I’m not crazy, this is a part of me and even at my best attempts to suppress it – it was coming out.
So I have been asked, you know, how do I know that this isn’t just a phase and I think that — that is actually a really great and important question for me, it’s – it’s pretty simple.
[Ingrid Nilsen:] Source: LYBIO.net
This is me sitting right here, right now, this is me and the fact that I’m gay is a part of me.
From my earliest memories, I have always been this way and the part of my life where I was in a prison that was built for me and then I – at one point took over the construction of that prison and kept the building going myself; that was the phase, being in that prison, that was the phase.
So if you’re wondering what happens now, um… I – I want to live my life unapologetically because I am proud of who I am. And I’m not going to apologize for who I am anymore, this is life that I’ve always lived in my head and now, its real – it’s real, and I can’t believe it’s real.
[Ingrid Nilsen:] Source: L Y B I O . N E T
I’ve just dreamed about taking this piece of me inside that cabinet and putting it in this space that it’s always had inside of me, I’m giving myself my best chance and so should you. I love you guys. And I’ll see you really soon and I’m so exciting. Bye.
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Ingrid Nilsen – Something I Want You To Know – Coming Out. I am proud of who I am. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.