Fast Reliable Internet From Your Cable Company

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[Fast Reliable Internet From Your Cable Company]

Hi.

Your Local HIGH SPEED INTERNET & CABLE PROVIDER

We’re your local high speed Internet and cable provider.

FAST
RELIABLE
INTERNET CONNECTION

Are you looking for a fast, reliable Internet connection?

LARGE SELECTION OF YOUR FAVORITE HD CHANNELS

A large selection of your favorite HD-TV channels?

24/7 Support

With 24/7 access to the best customer support technicians?

FAIR PRICE?

All at a fair price?

FUCK YOU

Fuck you. You’ll take what we give you.

“Choosing”

COMPLETELY UNWARRANTED
Rip-Offs

200X
SLOWER

2X
THE PRICE

500 CHANNELS

90% YOU CAN’T VIEW

HIDDEN FEES
$$$

You’ll have the option of choosing from several of our completely unwarranted rip-offs, including Internet speeds up to 200 times slower than Korea, at twice the price, TV packages with over 500 channels, 90% of which you can’t view, and we guarantee a plethora of hidden fees.

Barely Trained TECHNICIANS

Inbetween
8 AM 10 PM

PROMPTLY LEAVE

Then, our barely trained technicians will come to install your services somewhere between the hours of 8 AM and 10 PM, knock once while you’re in the shower, and promptly leave.

And once we do finally get your service up and running, it’ll be down and limping within 3 hours, indefinitely.

Indefinitely

Why you ask? Simple.

Oligopoly Monopoly

100%
LEGAL
100%

We’re part of what is called an oligopoly. It’s like a monopoly, only legal.

MAJOR PROVIDERS

COMPETITION

Optimum
COCKBAG LEVELS

In closed door meetings with four or five of the other major providers, we secretly agreed not to have differing prices, allowing us to completely eliminate any competition and collectively raise our prices to optimum cockbag levels.

CUSTOMER
Satisfaction

Because we here at your local high speed Internet and cable provider don’t believe in customer satisfaction.

We believe in money, pools of money. Looking for a better deal? You can oligobble down our balls. You’re paying for it.

Your Local HIGH SPEED INTERNET & CABLE PROVIDER

YOU WON’T LIKE IT AND THERE’S NO OTHER OPTION

Your local high speed Internet and cable provider; you won’t like it, and there’s no other option.

Fast Reliable Internet From Your Cable Company. You can oligobble down our balls. You’re paying for it. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.