Bill Burr – Why Do I Do This – Part 4
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[Bill Burr – Why Do I Do This – Part 4]
[William “Bill” Burr (June 10, 1968)] Source: LYBIO.net
They are fucking dunking on us every day.
[Laughter] Dude, how quiet was that limo ride home with Hitler, you know what I’m saying? You know he was talking crazy [beep] when they were on the way there. They were all amped up. “We are going to dominate! Sieg Heil!” just going off. [Laughter] That whole ride home, they’re just sitting there, all quiet. You’re sitting next to an even angrier than usual Adolf Hitler. [Laughter] trying to make some sort of small talk, like, “huh. It is one nice day, isn’t it? Nice good!”
Dude, I got to admit, man. I’m fascinated with Hitler, man. I am. Just how the fuck that guy ever came in power, ’cause does he ever look like he’s in a good mood, in any of those clips? Every one’s just, [muttering]. Fucking hair’s flapping around. There was nobody even in the beginning to be like, “dude, is it me, or this guy’s, this guy’s a little crazy, huh? This guy’s kind of a spaz? Total cock block. You can’t even have him around ”
No, you know what it is? Crazy people can take over shit. That’s what it is. Like, regular people, I don’t know. You just never say shit. You ever notice that? Like, you can be on a bus. 30 Decent people. One crazy dude can take over the whole bus, right? Everybody’s just sitting there. Everything’s great. Then one crazy just ah fucking – start fucking screaming. And the second that happens, all .. [Whimpering] he’s, like, up against them. “Everybody’s freaking out. It’s like, why doesn’t everybody just pounce on the dude? I think every regular person should just have, like, a chloroform rag, like, right in their front shirt pocket, and the second any crazy shit happens, if you’re behind it, it’s on you. You just pull it out, and you take the guy down. Everybody jumps on him. You tie him up. Then you tattoo “possibly the next Hitler” across his forehead. You keep an eye on him, right?
No, but it’s so hard. It’s just hard to speak up. That’s the shit, you know? Like, I was in a Target the other day, right? Not bragging, you know?
[Laughter] I was. And I’m standing there with a buddy of mine, right? He’s a bouncer. He’s a bouncer in this really, like, crazy bar, so he knows, like, all these scumbags, and it just so happens that one of ’em just so happens to come walking through the Target, so my buddy, he goes to wave to him, like, ” and rather than this guy being like, “oh, you know, it’s going pretty good,” he just launches into this tirade about, like, immigrants, right in the middle of Target.
He’s like, “how’s it going? I’ll tell you how it’s going. These goddamn Mexicans keep coming to this country, taking all the fucking jobs! Immediately, everybody in line, LIKE, “OOH, M&Ms. Let’s read the back of these for a while. Wow, look at that, glucose. Is he still there? I’m not looking. I looked the last time. It’s your turn to look. I am not looking. “This guy was going off. Nobody did shit, including me. Including me. I wasn’t looking at the guy. Even the people who worked at target. They just kept ringing stuff up, like, “Ooh, three socks for $1. That’s amazing. Think it’s gonna rain? FUCK!” [laughter]
Dude, it was a classic chloroform moment. [Laughter] This guy, he was doing, like, a fucking Hitler open mic, you know? He was just going off. He was learning how to put thoughts together, right? How to speak in front of groups.
[Laughter] Somebody should’ve just came out. Threw some skittles on the ground, you take him out. That’s it. It’s over. But nobody did shit. You knew there was, like, one guy working at Target. Like, some crazy dude peeking out from the back, like, “i like this guy, this guy’s making a lot of sense,” right? He follows him out to the parking lot. They jump in his El Camino.
Now there’s two of ’em, right?
[Bill Burr] Source: LYBIO.net
I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m into, uh, conspiracy theory, man, that’s my thing. You guys into that shit? You read that stuff? I do. I think fast food, fast food, I think, is, like, a conspiracy, you know? I think that’s how they just keep us dumb. You can’t even think after a while. You ever notice that shit? Like, you ever have your whole day planned out, you eat one egg McMUFFIN, AND YOU’RE JUST ON THE Couch, “Eh, you know what? Fuck my dreams. I’m just gonna lay here for a while. Gonna stretch out”. [laughter] Dude, it’s unbelievable. Healthy food, you can’t – you can’t even smell it.
You have a bag of apples right in front of my face. My eyes are closed. I can’t smell it. 200 Miles away, “Oh, Fuck, is that KFC well you want some chicken, then you get a bucket of it. I’m telling you, you never notice that? You ever notice, whenever the government fucks up, all of A SUDDEN, LIKE, McDONALD’S HAS, Like, a new sandwich? You know? You’re just sitting there, screaming at your TV. “How can they pardon all THESE C.E.O.s?” “new McRib.” ” Oh I’m gonna fuckin try that – shove it down your face.
[Bill Burr] Source: LYBIO.net
[Cheering and applause] So anyways, yeah. So I have a lot of, like, uh, I have a lot of fucked-up thoughts, man, I do. This is the most recent one I had. You ever drive down the street and see, like, 30 people up on a sidewalk, and you just think, [sputtering]? Right? You don’t do it. You just think it. That’s what, like, separates the psychos from the functioning psychos, right? Psychos, they just think, “fuck it,” they do it. [Sputtering] they get the wipers going. They make a day out of it, right? But as a functioning psycho, not only do you not do it, you actually analyze it. Like, “man, if I just leave my hand right here, nobody knows who I am. I move it two degrees over here, I’m on the cover of Newsweek. I am instantly famous, right?”
Right here, nobody knows me.
Just a regular jackass, like, ‘Hey, bill, you want to come to the cookout’? You know, maybe you could bring that potato salad. It was such a big hit last year. “One of the most horrific scenes we’ve seen in years. “Bodies just scorned about”. You should really go there. Angie’s gonna be there. You could strike up a conversation, maybe hook up. “No indication he even tried to stop”
[laughter] No, I have those thoughts all the time. Like, recently, my girl took me to a, uh, street fair, right? You guys ever been to a street fair, you know? They close off the block, right? They close off the block. There’s, like, Shawarma. There’s, like, shit made out of buttons, right? People with no teeth are making key chains, you know? It’s a typical girlfriend idea. It sucks, and it’s gonna take all Saturday, right?
[Cheering and applause] Right? She’s, like, all excited. She’s, like, swinging my arm. “Oh, my god, this is gonna be fucking great, right”. I’m, like, praying for lightning, some sort of scaffolding to fall down on my head, you know? So she comes up. First place she comes up to is this big table of nothing but, like, homemade jewelry, right? Homemade jewelry, ok? It’s got twigs in it, macaroni. It’s shit. It is a table of shit, right? [Laughter] but she loves it, right? She’s like, “oh, my god, this ” she’s, like, trying on the earrings. “Do you like these are nice?” I wanted to be like, no! If they were nice, they’d be in a store, all right? [Laughter] There’d be a roof. Some sort of structure would be built around this. This is shit. This is a table of shit, all right?
[Cheering and applause] Oh brutal, it’s brutal, right? But I don’t want to be a dick, so I’m like, no, honey, that’s great. You know what? I’m gonna go get some air, ok? Even though we’re outside, I think there’s more air to be had, you know? No, ’cause I felt it. I was gonna snap. I literally walked, like, two, three tables away. There was this lady standing there with this big table and nothing but muffins, right? Homemade muffins. It’s, like, 85 degrees out. She’s standing there with this big table of nothing but muffins. She’s got this big, stupid “hey, look at the muffins I made” look in her face, and the second I saw that shit, that part of my brain was just like, “dude, what would happen if you just came up and just said, ‘hey, lady, are these your muffins? ‘Oh Yeah!’ and just started going fuckin wham, wham, bam, bam, bam”. Like, how many of these muffins could I mush before anybody did anything?
[Bill Burr] Source: LYBIO.net
[Laughter] I mean, realistically, I think I could’ve got the whole table, ’cause even if you saw me doing that shit, it would take at least five to six seconds to process. Like, “did they say he could do that? Is it, like, a game? Do you eat the muffin off you fist? That just seems like a waste of pastry” [laughter] You know? Dude, there’s no security or shit like that. There’s no dude standing there. “He’s mushing the muffins. Ok, I’m on it. Sir, we’re gonna have to ask you” they just choke me out. So I just started thinking of the horrified, fucked-up look on this lady’s face as I started slamming these muffins, and out of nowhere, I just started laughing like a maniac. [Laughter] I’m, like, slumped over this fried dough cart, I’m dying. My girl looks at me. She’s like, “What the hell are you laughing at?” and like an idiot, I actually tried to explain this fucked-up thought to her. [Cheering and applause] like she was gonna get it on some level, right? I’m just sitting there like, I was just thinking, what if I started punching the muffins? [Laughter] You know what I mean? I just started punching ’em.
[Laughter] And she’s just looking at me like, “Why do I go out with you?” Dude, but I swear to god, man, if I never broke eye contact the second I started hitting those things, that girl wouldn’t even have been able to call for help. [Laughter] I would’ve been in her head. It would’ve been too personal. She’d be like, “Did I go to high school with this guy? Why would you do that? Muffins are a happy food. I don’t understand it”
All right, listen. I’m out of time. You guys were so much fun… thank you so much for coming out. I really appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you.
Bill Burr – Why Do I Do This – Part 4. KFC well you want some chicken, then you get a bucket of it. I’m telling you, you never notice that? You ever notice, whenever the government fucks up, all of A SUDDEN, LIKE, McDONALD’S HAS, Like, a new sandwich? Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.