The Onion – Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine

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The Onion – Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine

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[The Onion – Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine]

[Rachel Cole:] Source: LYBIO.net
Facing mounting criticism that lethal injection is cruel and outdated, Ohio has replaced it with a system that quickly and humanly rips off the heads of death row inmates using powerful robotic arms. The new device is designed to be as humane as possible emitting soothing white noise and putting prisoners on a cushion seat before its metallic talons dig into their necks and painlessly wrench their heads off. Ohio Department of Correction’s, Director Gary Mohr, praised the machine saying “Our new system is a hallmark of compassion. Now these deaths will be pain free because the machine’s claws are coated with topical anesthetic.”

Quickly pulling off a prisoner’s head is considered less cruel than a lethal injection, which requires three separate chemicals to first stop the prisoners’ breathing, then paralyze their muscles and then finally induce cardiac arrest. While this new method of quickly crushing the detached head ensures a mercifully swift conclusion. The machine has already been used at Ohio’s Grand Valley prison where yesterday it executed death row inmate Carl Ray Allen witnesses say his death was peaceful and relatively painless.

[Phillip Graham (Warden):]
Mr. Allan was executed by head ripping off at 3 o’clock this after. He died instantly. The machine was fast, very fast. I’ve never seen anything move that fast.

[Rachel Cole:]
Psychologists believe the new method also eases the mental burden on prison employees.

The head ripping off machine doesn’t require an operator to flip a switch because it automatically kills anyone who sits in its chair.

The machine also handles the prisoner’s remains with dignity. And Ohio isn’t the only state changing the way it handles capital punishment. Last month, Texas unveiled the Mashinator, which humanely squishes up to 50 prisoners at once. And in Louisiana death row prisoners can choose to become organ donors and have their guts sucked out through an industrial tube.

Coming up next, is anything valuable buried in the woods behind my house? Our team of investigators finds out.

The Onion - Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine

The Onion – Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine

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The Onion – Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine. The head ripping off machine doesn’t require an operator to flip a switch because it automatically kills anyone who sits in its chair. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.

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