The Ellen Show With Amy Schumer

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The Ellen Show With Amy Schumer

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[The Ellen Show With Amy Schumer]

[Ellen DeGeneres:] Source: LYBIO.net
– Why don’t you move here, and then you’d have a bigger place? Do you like it here?

[Amy Schumer:]
But–[sighs] I mean, I don’t fit in here– just straight up body type. Like, in L.A., my arms register as legs. They’re just like– [laughter]
[laughter] They’re like, “Why is that octopus on Sunset?” “Is that–” [laughter] It’s not– it’s not for me out here.

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
No?

[Amy Schumer:]
It’s not, no. But I–you know.

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
What do you do when you’re here?

[Amy Schumer:]
I cry. I just sit in my room… [laughter] Bawling. No, I– Well, last time I was here, right from the show, I got courtside tickets to a Laker game.

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
That’s fun.

[Amy Schumer:]
Yeah, ’cause my– my business agent thought I was mad at him for sexually harassing me.

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
Well–

[Amy Schumer:]
But no, I’m 33, so I’m just starting to really appreciate that, you know what I mean?

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
I see, I see.

[Amy Schumer:]
Well, it’s true. I can’t speak for everyone. I’m not like “Sexually harass–” but, in your 20s, I feel like you walk around– like you’ll walk past a construction site, and be kind of like, “Oh, don’t look–” But then, in your 30’s, you know, I’m just like, “What about this?” [laughter]

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
Yeah.

[Amy Schumer:]
“Like, how about–” [laughter] It’s like my skirt’s over my head. I’m like, “Aah.” [laughter] They’re like, “We’re eating.” But, uh– [laughter]
[laughter] It changes, it really does. It changes, so– So I got courtside seats.

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
Uh huh

[Amy Schumer:]
Which–you’ve sat courtside at a game, right?

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
I have, yeah.

[Amy Schumer:]
I thought–I went– I thought it would be free booze. Um… [laughter] It’s not, it’s not. [laughter] I guess you have to be on the team to get free booze. So… – [laughs] I go, I get randomly seated next to Dianna Agron. You know, the actress. She was on “Glee.” She played the cheerleader, Quinn? I mean, that lets you know how hot she is. Yeah–oh, there we go. There’s the picture. Thanks for–yes. Isn’t that great? [laughter] She’s like– the most gorgeous girl ever. Her name was “Quinn” on that show. To pull off that name?

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
Yeah.

[Amy Schumer:]
Like if my name were “Quinn” on a show, they’d be like, “Oh, the jolly Irish groundskeeper, that–” [laughter] “Does a jig time and again,” you know. But so she’s there. Is she not like an angel? So–and the whole night, she’s like, She’s like this… ’cause she knows people are taking pictures of her. I obviously don’t. [laughter] I learned a lot. I learned that my resting face, is just a scowl, is just– [laughter]

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
[laughter]

[Amy Schumer:]
And I learned–and you can see– that I have what I’m now calling an “at-risk chin.” [laughter] This is not a good section! [laughter] If I–if I don’t, like keep it at sea level, it just doubles itself, just– [laughter] I become the dinosaur in the jeep in “Jurassic Park,” just “Fff!”

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
[laughter]

[Amy Schumer:]
So I’m like–no idea people are taking pictures. I’m pounding red wine, and I– I thought it was free– and I–

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
[laughter]

[Amy Schumer:]
I get red wine teeth right out the gate, you know?

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
Ya.

[Amy Schumer:]
Like, just first sniff of merlot, just “True Blood” mouth. I look like I’ve been feeding, and I’m eating popcorn, the way I think we all eat popcorn, which is– you know, at first, don’t you always kind of start out kind of like lying to yourself? Like, “I don’t know, I’ll have a little.”
Ehm. [laughter] Like one piece at a time, you know? And then–and then, like, you get a little more real. Right? [laughter] and then eventually, you just–you get “real” real. And just “gaaah!”

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
[laughter]

[Amy Schumer:]
Like, I’ve split my lip trying to get one more kernel–

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
[laughter]

[Amy Schumer:]
It’s true. In my dumb mouth. It is true.

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
[laughing hard]

[Amy Schumer:]
And so that’s what happened. If you Google me, it’ll be– And I–I look like her, actually. I look like her if she were stung by a million bees.

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
[laughter]

[Amy Schumer:]
It’s true! I look like her if she were, like, becoming the Hulk. That’s– [laughter] And she–you know, she wanted to be friends, and I’m like, “I can’t. I can’t. We don’t have– we’re not the same thing.” Like she was telling me hot people problems, you know. She’s like, “He won’t stop calling.” And I’m like, “[whine], I hate that.”

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
[laughter]

[Amy Schumer:]
Do you eat popcorn like that, though? Are you a popcorn lover?

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
Yeah, I do. And I eat it exactly like that.

[Amy Schumer:]
Right?

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
Yes.

[Amy Schumer:]
I mean, that’s why– I’m so annoyed– I’m single again, so I’m going to have to start dating some guy, and we’ll go to the movies and he’ll be like,
“Do you want to get popcorn?” and I have to be like, “Oh, I hadn’t even thought about it.”

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
[laughter]

[Amy Schumer:]
He’s like, “What size?” and I’m like, “[giggles] A small. Look at me.”

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
[laughter]

[Amy Schumer:]
Right, like a small popcorn? That’s like taking one Advil. Like, “get outta here.”

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
[laughter]

[Amy Schumer:]
“Get–I want a trough. And I want to dunk my head in it.” And–and then, you know. I’ll be pretending not to think about the popcorn.

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
Hilarious. So when you say you’re gonna start dating again, that means that you’re– are you dating at all?

[Amy Schumer:]
No, I, um– Well, I know everyone here is like, “How do we date you?” Thank you.

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
[laughter]

[laughter]

[Amy Schumer:]
You can’t, and not just ’cause I’m not totally out of the woods with this UTI I have right now, but also–

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
[laughter]

[Amy Schumer:]
but also– Thank you.

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
[laughter and applause]

[Amy Schumer:]
Oh, my God.

[laughter and applause]

[Amy Schumer:]
No, but I’m not on any dating websites. I don’t–I’m on–I have one, like, app on my phone that’s kind of– it’s called “Foodspotting.” [laughter] And it’s like Tinder, but for food, so, it lets me know–

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
Is this real?

[Amy Schumer:]
This is totally real. It lets–they let you know about food in your area. So, like, this week in L.A., I was eyeing this one particular scone.
And uh– [laughter] Under a mile away. Coincidence? Probably not. [laughter] So, I’m like, “Should I go?” And my friends are like, “Go! Like, check it out!” So I went to the scone, and I kind of just sidled up to it, and I was like, “Oh, my God, you look just like your picture.”

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
[laughter]

[Amy Schumer:]
So I’m kind of dating. Kind of dating.

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
It’s different than that. You should– [laughs] Oh, my God.

[Amy Schumer:]
It’s pretty much the same exact thing.

[Ellen DeGeneres:]
Hilarious. It’s almost exactly the same.

[Amy Schumer:]
Yeah.

The Ellen Show With Amy Schumer

The Ellen Show With Amy Schumer

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The Ellen Show With Amy Schumer. I’m not on any dating websites. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.

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