John Mulaney The Xanax Story Dialogue


John Mulaney – The Xanax Story

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[John Mulaney – The Xanax Story]

[John Mulaney (August 26, 1982)] Source:
I decided to do something about all those things, I recently I decided I was gonna try and get a Xanax prescription. I don’t know if anyone hears about drug Xanax, but it’s fantastic, very muted claps for Xanax. You don’t really get woos, it’s more like yeah.

I didn’t know how to get a Xanax prescription though drugs like that are tricky sometimes, but I talk to a friend of mine, and he said, hey I get this. He said that, he had a regular doctor’s appointment and at the end of it, he said to his doctor. Hey doctor, sometimes I get nervous on airplanes and the doctor just wrote him a Xanax prescription, and I was like yeah that’s the type of little rash that I’m looking for. I will take your advice, friend I’ve never listen to you before.

So, I go to a clinic, and I go into, I’m just gonna go in for you know, a regular type of check-up and at the end I will ask about Xanax. So I get to the front desk and they have a, ‘Why Are You Here’ sheet, and I want to pick something that will get me in and out really quickly and I looked down and I see frequent urination, and I was like perfect. That don’t be a super quick visit, I will just be like hey, sometimes I pee a lot, and the doctor will be like me too crazy right. And I will be like I get nervous on airplanes. So, I checked up frequent urination and I sat down in the waiting area and I waited for three hours.

[John Mulaney] Source:
I finally go back to the observation room and oh, in the observation room there was a male nurse standing there, and he has a Batman sticker on his stethoscope, a Batman necklace and a Batman watch. He was kind of moving around the whole time, you know, he was just like all right, I’m too Blessed to be Stressed, let’s do it. What are you allergic to, besides work, and then he take some a towel over his shoulder and be like, beats working, like all of his jokes were very anti-work, which is not always what you want from a healthcare professional.

The doctor comes in the room, and the doctor looks at my chart and he says, oh, you are here for frequent urination. How many times a day are you urinating, and I try to think of a number that would warrant a doctor visit, so I said 11, that was too many times to say.

The doctor looks at me and said you’re peeing a 11 times a day, then you may have something wrong with your prostate, so what we need to do, some of you are ahead of me.

[John Mulaney] Source:
So, I don’t know exactly how he phrased it, but the gist of it was, hey, if this visit is to continue, I am going to stick part of my hand up your ass, and I didn’t know what to say, because I couldn’t be like now, that’s okay, I was lying, it was a lie, to get drugs, you know, like a crime.

So, what I did was, I pull down my pants and I walked over the observation table and I put my hands down on the observation table like this, and by the way part of me was like, whatever, you know, you know those days when you’re like this might as well happen. Our adult life is already so goddamn weird.

So, I bent over like this on the table and the doctor comes behind me, goes no, no, no, not on your hands, on your elbows and knocks me down like that. And, this is so much worse than this, I don’t know why, I think it’s a this has like a little remaining dignity to it, you know what I mean, he is sort of like, oh stick it in, I am an American.

This is like you’re leaning over the edge of a cruise ship, ahh we are approaching Martinique, he knocked me down to my elbow, and then he stuck his hand in and you know, how sometimes you’ll like, I better you know what most things feel like, yeah.

You just think you’ll know. I did not know what this is going to feel like and this is the actual sound, I made, I went ooooh. But I didn’t say it, like it came from my vocal cords, and it was totally involuntary. It was as if a ghost had been trapped in my belly and finally flew out towards the light.

[John Mulaney] Source:
And then – when he pulled his hand out, we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well, so I will phrase this as delicately as I can. I did not realize that when the doctor pulls his hand out, it feels like you’re shitting because the only thing that’s ever come out of your butt before has been shit, so he pulls his hand out and I thought that I was shitting into his hand, so I yelled, I am sorry.

This is a very routine procedure by the way for those doctors and so far he has to deal with, ooooh and I’m sorry.

And he didn’t even let me off the hook, you know. He was like, uh, don’t worry you didn’t shit into my hand, he just threw his glove away and I was like AHHH-HAA.

And I was about to ask about Xanax then said, all right your prostate is fine, but we still need to do a blood test. So, I pulled up my pants and shuffled away, feeling different, and he was yelling out into the hall, hey, we are doing a blood test, get in here and Batman dances back in and he is like, all right, we are going to do a blood test.

You look different, let’s do it. The doctor left the room, so I’m alone with Batman. I just need this blood test to be over, okay.

But first I need to tell Batman saying, Batman look I am one of those people, who when you take blood from me sometimes I can faint, and I was in the waiting area for three hours, and I hadn’t eaten all day, and I am really worried, I am gonna faint, and Batman said to me, and I’ll never forget it, Pshhhhh- you are not going to faint, so I stick my arm out, Batman puts the needle in, I immediately collapsed on the ground.

[John Mulaney] Source:
I wake up and I am covered in sweat lying on the observation table. I wake up, I opened my eyes and I see Batman’s face, he is looking at me, and he goes, ‘you gotta go’ and I said can I please talk to the doctor first because sometimes, I get nervous on airplanes and Batman said, the doctor is gone.

So, I got my stuff and I left. The moral of the story is that you’ve been nervous your entire life, you should ask your doctor about Xanax, because if you lie to him, he will stick his finger in your ass. And if you do suffer from frequent urination, keep it to yourself.

John Mulaney – The Xanax Story. The doctor looks at me and said you’re peeing a 11 times a day, then you may have something wrong with your prostate, so what we need to do, some of you are ahead of me. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.

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