Jimmy Kimmel Hosts The 2012 White House Correspondents’ Dinner

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[Jimmy Kimmel Hosts The 2012 White House Correspondents' Dinner]

[Caren Bohan - White House Correspondent's Association President Reuters Reporter]
I’d like to introduce an comedian who I think will be a particular hit with the journalists in this room. Jimmy Kimmel is known in the world of comedy not only for his sense of humor but for his work ethic and his tenacity and for those of us familiar with the ups and downs of the media business, what’s not to like about a guy who has been fired from four radio stations. Ladies and Gentlemen its my please to introduce Jimmy Kemmel host of ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Live.

[James Christian "Jimmy" Kimmel (November 13, 1967)] Source: LYBIO.net
Well thank you good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, distinguished guests, Mr. President, Salaam! It’s wonderful to be here. They told me this would be a very high profile event with some of the most powerful people in the world they did not tell me that I would be looking directly at Sofia Vergara’s cleavage. I saw you texting. Sofia is from Columbia – this is what women look like in Columbia – what do you expect the secret service to do? I know Mr. President I know you won’t be able to laugh about any of my jokes about the secret service so, cover your ears if that’s physically possible. I do have a lot of jokes about the Secret Service, you know, I told them for $800 I wouldn’t tell them, but they only offered $30 so.

I am happy to see that Congress is taking this very seriously; David Vitter even went so far as to fly down to Columbia to investigate this personally.

I’ll tell you what though, I know the Administration have been cracking down but if – if this had happened on President Clinton’s watch, you can damn well beat those secret service agents would of been disciplined with a very serious hi-five. Palms would be beat red.

Quick announcement umm if any one has tickets to the GSA after party the plane is leaving for the Four Seasons in Dubai at midnight on the dot. Don’t be late or you’ll miss out on your complimentary White Tiger Cub.

I wanna thank the Washington Hilton for hosting us tonight. You know, President Obama wanted to move the dinner to the Kennedy Centre this year but the Republicans wanted to keep it here at the Hilton so they compromised so, here we are at the Hilton.

I am umm, staying at the hotel and ah I’ll be honest it isn’t great, I had to change rooms last night because there was a huge leak in the room above me, I guess Peter Orszag left his mouth on, and he told me you guys would like that one. He told me a lot of stuff. Source: LYBIO.net

But it’s an honor to be here, you know, if you told me as a kid that I would be – sitting on the same ( ) with President Barack Obama – I would of said the President’s name is Barack Obama?

Mr. President, remember, you remember when the country rallied around you in hopes for a better tomorrow. That was hilarious. That was your best one yet.

But honestly it its a thrill for me to be here with the President – the man whose – I think has done his best to guide us through some very difficult times and paid a heavy price for it.

You know there’s a term for guys like President Obama umm, probably not two terms but – there is.

Even some of your fellow Democrats think your a push over Mr. President, they would like to see you stick to your guns. And if you don’t have any guns they would like to see you ask Eric Holder to get some for you. Jake Tapper wrote that.

It’s kind of hard to be funny with the President of the United States sitting right next to you, looking at you, but somehow day in and day out, Joe Bidden manages to do it. I wish he was here, I wish he was here so he could sit behind me and fake clap like he does during the State of the Union address.

Are you enjoying this, is this fun for you.

[Barack Hussein Obama II (August 4, 1961)]
It’s great.

[Jimmy Kimmel] Source: LYBIO.net
This is the first meal he’s had in months. They say diplomacy is a matter of carrots and sticks and since Mrs. Obama got to the White House – so is dinner. Your very skinny – she doesn’t let you eat, I felt weird about eating dessert, I left it untouched, I’ve never done that before. You know the real reason people thought you were from Kenya had nothing to do with your birth certificate, it’s because you lost so much weight, we thought you were the guy who owned the Boston Marathon.

This is how you know this country’s in bad shape, our President is starving. North Korea is sending him food-aide.

I had the opportunity to sit next to the first lady tonight, she’s very very nice and ah no matter what side of the fence your on, you have to admit, she’s done a lot of good work, she just wants us to be healthy, really is all – Mrs. Obama, I thank you for that. Look, it’s Chris Christie, get him!

You know, they say that inside every American Governor is a President struggling to get out, in Chris Christie’s case, it’s the only one where you can still hear him screaming. Don’t worry Christie, I think you might be misunderstanding New Jerseys’ slogan: “It’s not the Olive Garden State!” But the umm, the truth is, the First Lady is right, Americans are in terrible shape, you can even tell how out of shape we are by the way protest, we used to march, now we occupy.

I wanna say a quick congratulations to the Occupy Protestors ah, it took months and months of petiole oil and hacky-sack and finally Wall-Street isn’t greedy anymore. Congratulations!

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney’s with us. Hello Jay. Jay is, as you know, not only Press Secretary, you also know him as the white guy from every Lens Crafters Commercial. Source: LYBIO.net One of Jay’s jobs is to keep track of all the Hilary Rosens. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this story – Kim – Lindsey etc. LYBIO.net Umm, Hilary Rosen is the woman who said Ann Romney never worked a day in her life. even though Mrs. Romney raised five kids, of course the Administration tried to distance them self from those comments, they said: “She is not an advisor to the Obama Campaign.” Even though we later found out that her name appeared on the White House visitor log, 35 times. So when reporters asked Jay why her name showed up 35 times? This iw where it get hilarious, he said: “He wasn’t sure it was the same Hilary Rosen.” He said: “I personally know three Hilary Rosens.” You personally know three Hilary Rosens? Where did all these Hilary Rosens come – ? Did you pick them in the Hilary Rosen garden?

I beat you ten thousand dollars you don’t know 3 Hilary Rosen’s! But I’m not running for President so. Three Hilary’s? That sounds like President Clinton’s worse nightmare.

Hey, is that slut Rush Limbaugh here? People are still upset with Rush with the comments he made Sandra Fluke. But you know what, there’s a reason why Limbaugh said what he said, and that reason is Percocet!

And by the way, just to clear things up for the extreme right wingers. Here’s the difference between Bill Maher and Rush Limbaugh. The people who watch Bill Maher know he’s an asshole.

This is umm, my first time here. Every news organization, I guess, has it’s own table – scripts is here, thank god, in case the spelling brokes – breaks out – we have that covered. We have numerous members of the print media in attendance, which reminds me of a riddle. What’s black and white and red all over? Nothing anymore. Really. The Christie jokes are OK, but no huh?

Where are the CNN tables? Are the CNN real tables or virtual tables? There you are. Every election year, CNN comes up with new and increasingly technology, they have the magic wall this year, they had the hologram 4 years ago. And yet, will all their technical wizardry they still haven’t figured out a way to make James Carville look less like a hairless boiled cat.

Quite a few Cable news anchors wrote books this year; Chris Matthew of MSNBC wrote a biography of J.F.K. it’s 427 pages long, poor Rick Santorum was throwing up all night.

Bill O’Reilley wrote a controversial book about another great President called: “Killing Lincoln.” I actually have my own theory about Lincoln’s death

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Jimmy Kimmel Hosts The 2012 White House Correspondents’ Dinner. I beat you ten thousand dollars you don’t know 3 Hilary Rosen’s! But I’m not running for President so. Three Hilary’s? That sounds like President Clinton’s worse nightmare. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.