Todd Womack – Draw My Life

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[Todd Womack - Draw My Life]

[Todd Womack] Source: LYBIO.net
Hey, it’s Todd. Mark did one of these and some people have asked for mine, so I’m going to draw my life. Damn, all you guys. Okay.

I’m from El Paso, Texas. It’s a desert city of 650,000 people that’s so far west in Texas that it’s half way through New Mexico. That’s why whole people are like, what’s your accent? I’m like its 700 miles that way in regular Texas. In El Paso, [we talk like this], in Espanol. But me and all my friends talk like we’re from California for some reason, right on, ha, ha, ha.

Anyway, I had curly hair when I was a kid. My mom’s friends will always like, oh, I would do anything to have your hair. I wonder if they still want to trade. I lost my hair when a fire destroyed my laboratory and I vowed to seek revenge upon superman for laboratory arson. Oh, wait that’s Lex Luthor. Mine fell out the normal way because my body produces too much testosterone, which means I’m a total stud.

My family consists of my parents, David, and Janet, and my older brother Chris, who somehow has not lost any hair. He now has a baby, who I’ve only met once in person, but we talk on Facetime. Well, I talk. He just makes noises, but I think he’s going to be a stud too, because he’s also bald.

All I wanted to do when I was a kid was make silly voices, play basket ball and spazz out, I usually spazzed out with a basketball inside, or with my brother. We broke so many things in our parent’s house, we started super-gluing them back together so our mom wouldn’t notice.

I eventually played basket ball for Coronado High School, home of the Thunderbirds. That name comes from this giant red bird shape on a mountain in El Paso. There’s not much else out there, except for dirt. So I guess it’s better than being called the Coronado High Dirt Rocks. It is the desert.

[Todd Womack] Source: LYBIO.net
Our coach was really mean to us and ran us almost to death. He looked like Gargamel from the Smurfs and had a weird accent. I can’t draw. Lindsey, little help here? Anyway, he made us use these huge heavy rubber jump ropes filled with sand that NFL teams used. NFL teams! They were called heavy ropes. In practice, our coach’s rules were no walking, no talking, no cursing, no fun, and no untucking your shirt, Todd. We would make jokes to each other under our breath constantly at practice and finally somebody would laugh out loud and we hear our coach say, Todd, go give me 100 heavy ropes, which was not funny.

Looking back, I loved those long torturous hours because it taught me how hard I could work, if I actually liked what I was doing and I loved playing basketball. I wanted to play basketball at a small college and work my way up to the NBA, but since the chance of that happening was 0.0001%, I decided to have a cool college experience in Austin, at the University of Texas. Can anybody say Beer O’clock?

For years I jumped from major to major, not really knowing what I wanted to do. And then I got into the creative advertising program, where I trained to be a copywriter. It was the first thing I could see myself doing professionally without dying of boredom. I got pretty good at making funny clever ads and I had a promising career in advertising in front of me. I was going to be a regular Don Draper, smoking kills, don’t do it.

Then one day about two weeks before I graduated, I finally did the other thing I wanted to do since I was a kid, besides playing the NBA. I went down to The Velveeta Room on Sixth Street in Austin and performed stand-up at the open mic. Finally, a chance to spazz out and make silly voices in a place where it didn’t make me look like a crazy person.

My best joke for my first five minutes was my impression of Sean Connery talking about working with Richard Gere on a movie called First Night, from 1995. I was in a movie with Richard Gere that was called First Night. You know, they say he puts gerbils in his ass. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Because Richard Gere like apparently in the 90s put a, I don’t even know. Listen, that’s not important. That wasn’t a good joke or anything, but it was a start.

I kept at it and right before I got offered my first professional show at a comedy club, I landed a job driving the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile for a year doing PR stuff. Now that’s sounds crappy, but it was awesome. We drove all over the country doing parades, baseball games, morning news shows, and it got stuck like ten times on I.5 because the Wiener broke down. I should lend it some testosterone. Get it?

One of my fellow Hotdoggers, that was our job title, Dave, actually wrote a book called Dog Days, about one of the groups I was in. You can buy it on Amazon. He changed my name to Brad, if you do buy it. I don’t mind you knowing it was me. I live on YouTube. I have no secrets. In the book, I steal the girl he likes, probably on account of the testosterone. Dave now writes for Family guy, which is weird because I’m way funnier than he is and he knows it and he’s even watching this right now, because I send him the link. Ha, ha, Dave, eat that, along with your enormous salary.

[Todd Womack] Source: LYBIO.net
After that I went to South America for four months to see amazing things and party down then I moved to New York to become a stand-up comedian for reals, and not use my college degree at all, tat da da. I worked at an office by day and did stand-up most nights. I eventually got good enough to tour around a little bit, but – you know, it’s a lonely craft. So I started doing other stuff as well. I took improve and sketch writing classes, performed weird character pieces at theaters, and that’s where I met Mark. He also did weird characters and impressions. And one day, we made the sketch about two London DJs, both named Tommy, called the Tommies, where we just were like two shitty DJs, whose songs all sounded like Western Girls by The Pet Shop Boys.

Mark and I did a bunch of stuffs like that together. But eventually, I moved to L.A. in 2006 to try to get a writing job on a TV show, but from what I can tell from what I see on TV, you have to suck at comedy to do that, so I was naturally disqualified. So I did tons of stand-up and tried to make waves however I could, but L.A. was really boring to me. I’m too much of a spazz. I like doing something. Everybody was all talk and never did anything, except make plans to do something.

Mark and I kept in touch and I would watch his videos it would be like, Oh, man, I would love to do that. But in 2010, with the economy in the crapper and my prospects low, I took a job at the 2010 Census as an enumerator, knocking on doors and counting heads. Hi, there, I’m Todd from the – ah, you have slammed the door in my face.

Then I got a call from Ben Relles, who was Mark’s boss at Barely Political. I guess Mark had bothered him enough, so he finally called me and said, hey, you want to actually do something, spazz out and make silly voices professionally? And I was like, yes, please. I’ve been here for three years and I’ve helped bring in around a billion views with the Barely Political team and it’s been a hell of a ride. I don’t do much stand-up anymore, because I live and breathe at video making. In fact, you can see me doing it right now, I want to spazz.

[Todd Womack] Source: LYBIO.net
Well between that and the silly voices, I’ve done okay. So, if I had any advice for anyone out there, I guess it would be to follow your dreams, break stuff in your house, make fun of your basketball coach, and if your hair starts falling, just be a man about it and shave your head. The end. I have some spazzing out to do in the other room now. See you.

Todd Womack – Draw My Life. Hey, it’s Todd. Mark did one of these and some people have asked for mine, so I’m going to draw my life. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.