Seth Rogen At Age 13 Stand Up Comedy 1996
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[Seth Rogen At Age 13 Stand Up Comedy 1996]
Big fucking hair clip I got to fight with here. Uh – the next camp, this is like a – this kid – this kid is a great up-and-comer. I think you’re gonna enjoy him a lot. Will you please welcome to the stage, Mr. Seth Rogen.
[Seth Rogen (April 15, 1982):] Source: LYBIO.net
Yeah, hello. I’m Seth Rogen and I’m a former Playgirl centerfold model. Okay, I’m not, but I am Jewish.
Now, often people ask me; Seth, what is the most difficult thing about being Jewish? And I think thousands of years of prosecution and torture done on to us by racist people, and I know you; I’d have to say the most difficult thing about being Jewish would be the grandparents.
Now, I will give it to you, all grandparents are difficult, but Jewish grandparents are special. They are purebred pain compressed into small wrinkly bodies. Take my grandparents, for example. Now most grandparents argue, mine argue too, but my grandparents are deaf. So they don’t have any idea what the other person is arguing about. They’ll be sitting there and my grandmother will be, “Kelly, pass me the pillow”. Grandpa, “What, I’m an armadillo? Why are you calling me this animal?” I’m not wearing flannel.
But I learned how to communicate with them, cause once I asked them for a cup of milk and I got 20 bucks.
So just had summer, now, this summer I had the honor of going to summer camp, but it was no ordinary summer camp. It was Jewish camp. It’s a summer camp for Jews. I know you’re thinking, no, it’s not that bad. It is not a concentration camp. Well, there were some bad parts to it. I mean, the TVs didn’t get cable all the time, and once for an entire day, our pool had no heating in it what – so ever.
But, we do, do normal stuff, we do things that normal camps do like we sing around the campfire, but frankly, folks, it’s a Jewish camp. What do you think we sing about? We sing about death and bowel movements. There is one song, we sing about the Titanic sinking. It goes…
Husbands and wives, little children lost their lives
It was sad when that great ship went down
Now, do we need that ee-haah? To me that’s kind of like cheering for a priest after a eulogy. And like I said, the songs aren’t about death, they’re just disgusting.
There is one song, we sing goes…
There were five, five, constipated men in the Bible.
And the first, first, constipated man was Cain, he wasn’t Abel.
And the second, second constipated man was Moses, he took two tablets.
I’ll spare you the other three.
[Seth Rogen:] Source: LYBIO.net
But it’s good being Jewish, because I had the honor of having my Bar Mitzvah or as Jews like to refer to it as the second most important BM.
Now my Bar Mitzvah, I noticed something about old Jewish women. Now as old women get older, hair on their head gets thinner gradually. But most women will thin discreetly, not Jewish women. They take what little hair they have left on their head and they just puff it out. So they get these gigantic old women afros, but it’s just thin, right. So when the light hits it at a certain angle, you just see right through it, and you kind of can picture what these women look like stark bald and it’s not a pretty sight. Try to picture Gandhi in a blue floral dress.
Yeah, but now school has started, I love school. Now, I think the public education system is failing us. What’s the first thing we learn when we go to school? The alphabet. Always learn the alphabet. Yet, how come all of us have learned the alphabet so many years ago, we still have to do this. Looking up at a name in the phonebook, call it Smith. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, and A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M.
My school is lucky though. My school has the honor of being located near 7-Eleven. Now, there – the owner of the 7-Eleven, his name Eugene. The owner of 7-Eleven are – they are shaky. He doesn’t like us particularly very much. We don’t like him particularly very much. So we went to 7-Eleven last week or yesterday, you don’t really care when – we went to 7-Eleven, and we saw they have suggestion cards. 7-Eleven suggestion cards with postage prepay; we figured, mail it in, end someone’s career.
So we went to town with these babies, filling them out, Eugene tried to sell me crack in a double bubble wrapper.
And I take one class – I take – I take PE. I take more than one glass. For example it’s PE, which is physical education. The class where you are supposed to be physically educated. That’s not what you learn in this class. What you do learn is that after a hard day at school, you can make any sport out there full contact.
Take badminton, for example, once you get that racket in your hands, you can’t shake the thought of what a good weapon this thing would be if used properly. Playing, you’re going, 1-love. Source: LYBIO.net
I don’t hate sports, I like sports, I play rugby myself. Now, this is just a stupid sport. When you’re going to touchdown in this sport, it’s called a tri, as in tricycle, triangle. How many points you think a tri is worth, five points.
Yeah, so winter is coming up. I like to go to Whistler in winter. Been to Whistler? And they have Whistler Village, now which go so far to call this place a village. Now, like what is this village going to have, [yee ‘ol] Gucci. I mean, most villages will have a village bum, what do they have? The Whistler village; guy without a Range Rover. And villages have horses and carriages drawing through the town, Whistler has that, but it’s 50 bucks a pop.
Now, there is one more thing I learned in social studies, the other day. I learned that when two people fall in love, the symbol for this love is a little naked man shooting an arrow through your heart. Is this the best way to symbolize love? Picture myself now in 20 years, never, proposing to my future wife, darling, I love you, and I want you to marry…
I’m Seth Rogen. Have a good night, everybody.
[Damonde Tschritter:] Source: LYBIO.net
I’d tell you to keep it going one more time for Seth Rogen, but you hardly stopped here, one more time…
Seth Rogen At Age 13 Stand Up Comedy 1996. I learned that when two people fall in love, the symbol for this love is a little naked man shooting an arrow through your heart. Is this the best way to symbolize love? Complete Comedy Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.