Seth Meyers – Seth’s Monologue – 2011 ESPYs
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[Seth Meyers – Seth’s Monologue – 2011 ESPYs]
[Intro] Source: LYBIO.net
And now your host. Seth Meyers!
[Seth Adam Meyers (born December 28, 1973)]
How’s everybody doing? Good evening I’m Seth Meyers and I’m honored to return to host the ESPY’s for the second time. It’s so nice to be at the Nokia, one of the few buildings in America that hasn’t locked out athletes. As a sports fan it’s amazing to stand out here and look out over this room full of professional athletes. Although, I have to say with this many athletes I can’t help it but feel bad for the valet parking guy after the show: “Ya, it’s the Black Escalade.” Welcome all of you and the attendants, the millions watching at home in the U.S. and the millions more watching from inside Brian Wilson’s beard. Brian that’s a great outfit, but I have one question for you. What have you done with Batman? You look like the villain from a luge movie. But enough about Brian Wilson’s outfit, let’s get back to Brian Wilson’s beard. Some pictures have goatees but Brian Wilson has an entire goat. It looks like your beard is wearing a fake beard. I’ve been meaning to ask, did you ever get that fiddler off the roof? But I’m sorry to tease you Brian. It’s obvious you hate attention. For those of you who don’t remember last year’s ESPY’s was days after Lebron James announced his decision to leave Cleveland for Miami on an ESPN special. Now, it would be easy for me to stand up here and make fun of Lebron and the Miami Heat, so hear it goes. Seems that you guys are on the fence about the Heat. LYBIO.net Lebron James, Dyane Wade and Chris Bosh refer to themselves as the Big Three, in honor of how many quarters they play. Congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks. Give it up to the Dallas Mavericks. Congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks for finally bringing an NPB championship to the city of Cleveland. Cleveland fans really took a lot – took a lot of pleasure in the Heat losing. Cleveland celebrating Miami losing is like a dude saying: “Hey, you know my x-wife who left me, she and her new boyfriend are having an argument.” Source: LYBIO.net I’m back. Congratulations to the Mav’s and congratulations to Mav’s ower Mark Cuban, ya. I think we can all agree it’s nice when good things happen loud billionaires. True story, due to the terms of the NBA lockout, Mark Cuban is here but he can’t talk to his players. The Mavericks are calling this arrangement better than a championship. A lot of Mav’s are here tonight – Jason Kidd, give it up for Jason Kidd. Jason Terry is here. We got Jason Terry as well. LYBIO.net But my favorite Maverick is Brian Cardinal. Ya, the custodian! I love Brian Cardinal cause anytime he goes in the game it just looks like a crazed fan ran on the floor. I just keep waiting for security to taser him. This show just started and Brian Cardinal already has three fouls. So give it up to Brian Cardinal or he will destroy you. But of course the real star of the NBA Finals Dirk Nowitzki – ya. And in honor of our first German finals MVP, I would like to tell you Dirk, Dirk a joke in German:
Tonight is a lot like Game 6 of the NBA Finals.
Tonight is a lot like Game 6 of the NBA Finals.
The Heat didn’t show up.
That’s as good as German jokes ever go.
Do you think that didn’t work, that’s like the best a German joke ever went.
[Seth Meyers] Source: LYBIO.net
Blake Griffin is here tonight. Give it up for Blake. Blake won the slam-dunk contest this year by jumping over an Kia. The most exciting dunk over the least exciting car. Nothing says NBA action like in an affordable family sedan. There was more big basketball news this year. Shaquille O’Neal announced his retirement from basketball only three years after his feet retired. Just he’s just so big. It took 3 years for his feet to send a message to his brain. Shaquille retired after he couldn’t recover from a calf injury: “Man, only if there were a magical wrapping Genie who could somehow grant him one more wish. Yao Ming has announced he is retiring from basketball or that he is re-tiling his bathroom, it’s really hard to say. We can’t know. We can only guess. How about a round of an applause for Phil Jackson. Phil Jackson retired from coaching after the Lakers were eliminated from the NBA playoffs and now Phil will drift into obscurity just another giant hippy scarecrow on a motorcycle who smells like weed. And in other news, in other NBA news, Kim Kardashian is getting married to New Jersey Nets Kris Humphries. Asked why she picked a New Jersey Net, Kim said she tired of dating pro-athletes. You don’t have to Ooooo. Source: LYBIO.net No Nets here. we haven’t hat a Net here for 15 years. Jason Kidd was the last Net here. Tim Thomas the goalie for the world champion Bruins is here. LYBIO.net The Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup. And I think we can all agree it was great for the people of Boston to get another thing to drink out of. Of course game 7 of the Stanley Cup was marred by the riot followed, how about our Canadian neighbors, up north? It’s amazing what it takes to make white people riot? Arabs’ riot over oppressive leadership. African Americans riot over police brutality and white people are like: “How was that icing – burn it down.”! Of course it was a Canadian riot! So it was very polite it was of: “Excuse me sir, if it’s not too much trouble I’m gonna flip your car over and set it on fire? Eh. And we are gonna make sure you get a rental, to get home though, and Eh, and everybody, let’s remember clean up starts tomorrow, 9am sharp, we’re an angry mob, we’re not animals, Eh.” Ya. by the way, I should point out the proceeds for tonight’s show go to a very worthy Charity – The Los Angeles Dodgers of America. Dodger out-fielder Matt Kemp is here tonight, ya. Frank McCourt told Matt Kemp, have fun tonight, and then added: “If they have ketchup packets, grab as many as you can, because we have run out of ketchup.” Dodger’s Stadium, no longer has ketchup. The Dodgers are so broke when players steal bases Frank McCourt asks that they please return them. The Dodger’s are so broke that their 3rd base coach is just a mirror reflecting the image of their first base coach. The Dodger’s are so broke, three of their players tested positive for Ramen Noddles. LYBIO.net Speaking of testing for positive, Barry Bonds is here, who was found guilty of obstruction of justice and his Head was found guilty of obstruction of door-ways. Think about it though. But Steroid use is just one of the latest examples of poor choices by members of the athletic community, the one I am more concerned about is sexting. So I wanna give some advice to the married male athletes that are sending out pictures of their genitals. Guys don’t send a picture of the part of your body that your wife is most likely to recognize as being yours. Here is what you need to do, take a picture of your business, trade it with one of your team mates picture of his business and that’s the picture you send out to ladies, then if you get caught, them you can tell your wife, look, it’s not mine, and she says: “Oh, ya, that’s not yours, that’s Kevin’s”. Then you know she’s having an affair. Let’s hear it from the Woman’s World Soccer Team, Ya! Ya. They’re not here tonight cause they are in Germany preparing to play the World Cup finals on Sunday, ya. In other soccer news, Dave Beckham’s wife Victoria Beckham had a baby girl earlier this week. 8 pounds 9 ounces. No word on what the baby weighed. Found someone who liked it. The UCONN Huskies won the NCAA tittle with a 53/41 victory over Butler. Let’s give it up for UCONN. But it wasn’t all good news in College Basketball BYU forward Brandon Davis was kicked off the basketball team after he admitted to violating the schools honor code by having pre-marital sex with his girlfriend. Luckily, his girlfriend goes to Arizona State, so she actually got course credit. It’s been reported that the NFL lockout may be ending next week. And I think we can all agree that’s great news. Ya. Ray Lewis warned that if there’s no season, the crime rate would go up. Source: LYBIO.net No, he didn’t say specifically what he had in mind. It would be an incredible shame to lose the NFL Football season of the amazing year we just had Michael Vick returned to the row, starting role has a truly season for the Philadelphia Eagles, in fact, he even received several MVP votes, mostly from cats. Clay Matthews laughing on the inside. But the biggest story of Football was the Green Bay Packers beating the Steelers 31/25 in the Super Bowl! The Green bay Packers became the first team since 1962 to go an entire season without trailing more than 7 points, proving once and for all, that not ever statistic is interesting. And finally give it up for Aaron Rodgers. Aaron Rodgers who won the Super Bowl and finally got out of the shadow of Brett Favre which we learned, thanks to cell phone technology is not as big as shadow as we originally thought. To present our first award of the evening, please welcome from Entourage Emmanuelle Chriqui and tonight ESPY winner for best driver Jimmie Johnson.
Seth Meyers – Monologue – 2011 ESPYs. How’s everybody doing? Good evening I’m Seth Meyers and I’m honored to return to host the ESPY’s for the second time. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text to Seth’s Monologue – 2011 ESPYs.