Peter Sullivan Standup
The Accurate Source To Find Transcription To Peter Sullivan Standup.”
[Peter Sullivan Standup]
[Intro] Source: LYBIO.net
All right, let’s please welcome the next act, please welcome Peter Sullivan.
Hello. My name is Peter, and yes I will be this awkward for the entire routine. My friends told me a lot of things. They say stuff like, oh, you are so funny, you should be a comedian. So, I am.
I get really nervous on stage. Some people say, I hide it well, others say, it’s obvious. But what no one seems to get is that this is just how I stand when I urinate, so. It’s not a joke.
Does anybody here have a Facebook? Anybody who have Facebook? Yeah, okay, most people have Facebook. I can’t use Facebook anymore, because of the pictures that get shared on in my news feed. There will be one like a little girl and she kind of looks like an alien or something, and thank you, and ya, it’s like, one like it goes $1 donated. I doubt it. Especially, because the guy who uploaded the photo is some teenage kid with no shirt on, with the hat that says like swag and he is like, that kid doesn’t have any money man. I think my favorite photo I’ve seen is, it’s a God and the devil, and they are arm wrestling, which God forbid that’s how he settles his disagreements.
[Peter Sullivan] Source: LYBIO.net
Like, give me this person’s soul, no, devil you can’t have him, I’ll arm wrestle you for it, all right, fine. You know me too well, devil, so I – so that’s why I keep you around. And the top of the photo, it say’s, ‘like’ this photo if you love God, which I am fine with, you know I love God, that’s great. I am not going to ‘like it’, because ‘I hate the kid’. So, I kept scrolling, and I saw at the bottom, it was like keep scrolling if you love the devil. Why you have to escalate things like that.
Now, I feel like, if I die, I am going to go to heaven and God is like, Peter you lived a good life, I think I am going to let you in. I am like, ‘yes I made it.’ Then St. Peter walks over with a letter and whispers in his ear, and I am like, ah, this bitch. God is like, wait, wait, wait, have you seen this photo before? I have, but it was the kid, ‘did you or did you not keep scrolling?’ To hell with you and the devil is like, yes. I am like, you guys don’t even want to arm wrestle for it?
And I am walking to hell and I look at the pearly gates, and the kids behind the gate is like, fuck you, damn it. Kid is the worst. He escalates his threats on every photo, like if you keep scrolling, like I saw one, it was like a soldier in Afghanistan, it was like, like this photo one like equals one respect, to which I first said, what the fuck is one respect? I don’t even know what that means.
I have a bunch of friends, I don’t say I have a bunch of ‘respects now’. Learn some grammar, you shirtless swag hat wearing piece of shit. I saw that photo and I was like oh, it’s a nice photo, but I kept scrolling at the bottom and I was like, keep scrolling if you want genital herpes. Like, the next one is just going to be a picture of Somalia kid in Africa eating bowl of flies, like this photo if this kid looks hungry, keep scrolling if you want to be raped by a goat. I am like what?
I am on this website, because I am bored and I want to stock my ex to make sure she is having a terrible life. (applause) I am not trying to be sexually assaulted by a horn mammal.
I am tired. I think I lost sleep last night. Last night, I had a nightmare and I really had to go to the bathroom, and this morning when I awoke covered in urine and shame, I realized that dreams really do come true.
Follow your dreams, I like dreams. My dream is to become the first Bolivian comedian to make it big. People say you can’t do that, you’re not funny and you’re not Bolivian, but it’s my dream.
So, so the other day I was furiously masturbating, here is the character I am working on. This character is a guy with no hands. He’s called ‘the forgetful amputee’, amputee. Guess who has two thumbs and like to – oh shit.
Thank you. Uh, uh, I am in a high school now, I am a senior in high school, girls are a big thing in high school, girls are big, which is tough for me, because I don’t know a lot about girls. I know they like random compliments. Like being complimented random times. That wasn’t even the fucking joke really. God damn it. I know they like random compliments, and I know they hate being called fuckin’ cunts. I am Peter Sullivan, thank you guys.
Peter Sullivan Standup. Last night, I had a nightmare and I really had to go to the bathroom, and this morning when I awoke covered in urine and shame, I realized that dreams really do come true. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.