Norm Macdonald Performs Stand-Up On David Letterman
The Accurate Source To Find Transcript To Norm Macdonald Performs Stand-Up On David Letterman.”
[Norm Macdonald Performs Stand-Up On David Letterman]
[Norman Gene “Norm” Macdonald (born October 17, 1963):] Source: LYBIO.net
Uh…thanks guys, listen I don’t want to brag or anything but, me and Oprah are making the same money tonight.
But the show has loosened up considerably, I know, I was watching Oprah and Dave talking about weed, booze, I don’t do either those are hardest drug I ever did LSD.
And I remember as a kid I was like 16, I remember they told me – warn me they said ‘hey you got to be careful with that LSD on the count of you can get a flashback 10 years could go by; 20 years, 30 years and a flashback will happen, so I thought ‘hey, that seems like a good deal.’ You tell me, I buy a drug for $5, I eat it, I get high and then 20 years later I get high again.
That’s not the point. I like to stretch my drug dollar, the point is this. 10 years have past, 20 years have past, 30 years have past and no flashbacks, what a gip that turned out to be, just more horse shit – by the big ass & companies that’s all it is.
But I can’t believe its been a quarter century since I made my television debut -it’s all different back then, you know – it was back then I remember if you want to take a picture you would use a camera, not a telephone. As a matter of fact, if you use the telephone people would look at you odd? Really…stay still…like that…
What about in the old days when they took pictures of you – way back… you know where they pull that thing and it exploded and stuff. I got picture of my great grandfather, I think it took six hours to take your picture and it was a picture of my great grandfather one, they only had — every guy had a one picture back then, and it’s just him like. ‘I gotta get back feed them hogs.’ ‘Who’s going to feed them hugs.’ ‘Somebody got to feed them hugs.’
Now. In the future of course, it will be different 50 years from now, people will be going like ‘hey, you want to see a hundred thousand pictures of my great grandfather?’ [Applause] ‘I got them right here plus everything he did, everyday of his life.’
Hey, this occurred to me today, ID – ID which I had to show it again, and I – there is a strange abbreviation when you think about it ‘I’ is short for ‘I’ and then ‘D’ is short for ‘dentification’. They could of just put that on a phone battery – you know?
When I watch the TV, I watch the news – make you afraid ‘the news’ – you know.
[Norm Macdonald:] Source: LYBIO.net
Put all these stories on Iraq, Iran, North Korea, you know they try to scare you, you know, but does it ever really scare you like – you ever wake up in the middle of the night, ‘ah-ha, North Korea, that little tiny country across the ocean. I wonder if they all get me’, plus didn’t M*A*S*H. settle that 20 years ago. Why did I have to watch – that’s a stupid [show]?
There is one country that worries me though, not Iraq, not Iran, not North Korea, the only country that really worries me is the country of Germany.
I don’t know if you guys are history buffs are not. But uh…
In the early part of the previous century Germany decided to go to war and who do they go to war with — the world. They have never been tried before, and so you figure that would take about five seconds for the world to win but uh…no it was actually close. Then about – then about 30 years past and Germany decides again to go to war and again, it choses as its enemy — the world. And this time they have that guy, [Foreign Language] – that guy and I’m not even going to dignify him by saying his name, but I think you know what I’m talking about.
[Norm Macdonald:] Source: LYBIO.net
But you think at that point the world will go listen Germany, here is the deal, you know, you are not going to be a country no more on a count that you keep on attacking — the world.
What do think you’re Mars or something?
Anyway listen folks, this will be my last time on The David Letterman show, I understand.
And you know, you guys we all know that David Letterman was the greatest talk show, who — host who ever lived.
But I – [Applause]
I remember Dave differently. Because the first time I saw him, I was 13 years old. I was living in — I was living in Toronto, Canada, and I went to a talk show they have there, and David Letterman was the stand-up comedian on the show. And I loved stand-up. And David Letterman did this joke that I told everybody, this joke I love this joke. It still stays with me as my favorite stand-up joke ever. So I’d like to do it for you, if you’d like to hear it. [Applause]
It goes uh…
I was on the street the other day and I saw a garbage truck, and on the back of the garbage truck there was a small sign that said, ‘Please do not follow too closely.’ Another of life’s simple pleasures ruined by meddling bureaucracy, ladies and gentleman.
Remember the old days, when – when dad would pile the kids in the station wagon and we’d all go and follow a garbage truck?
So anyway I just like to say I know that Mr. Letterman is not for the mawkish, and he has no truck for the sentimental. But if something is true, it is not sentimental. And I say in truth, I love you.
Oh my god. Oh my god, Oh my god, Norm. Norm, oh my god. Very funny, Norm. And thank you. Thank you for everything.
Norm Macdonald, ladies and gentlemen, that was very sweet Norm.
All right, thanks David.
[David Letterman:] Source: L Y B I O . N E T
Good night everybody.
Connect and Follow:
Norm Macdonald Performs Stand-Up On David Letterman. And I say in truth, I love you. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.