Jim Jefferies – Brothel Story
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[Jim Jefferies – Brothel Story]
[WARNING EXPLICIT LANGUAGE]
[Geoff Nugent (14 February 1977),] Source: LYBIO.net
I am fucking drunk now. All right, I’m going to tell you a story. This story is very long. The first three minutes of this story are very depressing. Just hitching up my pants. First three minutes of this story are very depressing, there is a moment where this story takes flight and you have to hang in there with me until this moment and trust me that the story is going to get good.
I grew up at No.3, [Taramara] Street, and No.5, was my two best childhood friends, Andrew and Daniel Connor. Daniel was born with a disease called muscular dystrophy. If you don’t know what muscular dystrophy is – it’s a horrible disease that wastes away your muscles. It’s the same as Lou Gehrig’s disease, a motor neuron disease, except you’re born with it.
You get diagnosed, when you’re about six years old, when you’re not walking right, they put you on crutches. By the time you’re 10, you’re in a wheelchair. By the time you’re 20, you’re in a completely vegetated state. Most people die before their 25th birthday. Dan’s lived to be 33 years old, still alive and kicking. Let me rephrase that, ‘still alive’.
He’s actually died seven times in his life and being resuscitated ‘seven’. And I once asked him, I said, Dan what happens after you die? And he said nothing. So good luck with your religion and your ‘faith’, I’ll take an actual statistic.
[Jim Jefferies] Source: LYBIO.net
Now his family had since moved to Melbourne, and I had moved to the Great Britain, I went to do the Melbourne Comedy Fest, it was about a year ago. I hadn’t seen him in all that time. His brother Andrew came to see my show and then Andrew took me to see Dan, and I went in to see him and I have never seen anyone live this long with this disease and he is lying on a bed. His eyelids are a muscled that he can’t keep open anymore and he is just squinting through these little things.
He has a breathing mask on him to keep his lungs working, because the lungs are a muscled that he can’t keep pumping. He has a heart monitoring machine, in case he flatlines in the middle of the night and someone has to resuscitate him. And as soon as I walked in, and saw this guy that used to run around with as a child, I burst into tears. There is nothing worst you can give anyone in this world than pity. You know, I went in the corridor, I felt like a [right] prick and I was fucking wiping my eyes off, and I went back in and I sat with Dan, his brother Andrew went off to work. Me and Dan, chatted for a while. 20 minutes into the conversation, Dan says to me, “Jim, I’m 32 years old. I’ve never been with a woman. Will you take me to a prostitute?” And that’s where the story picks up, ladies and gentlemen.
Because I went fuck yeah! But don’t tell my brother, he wouldn’t understand us, that’s where you’re wrong! I have known your brother my entire life, trust me, he will understand and against Dan’s will when Andrew came home from work, I put Andrew side and said, Andrew, look here is the deal. Dan has asked me to take him to a prostitute. I’m going to do it, whether you like it or not, but I think as his brother, you should come along and help out.
And Andrew went, we’re not doing it. And I went, why? And he went, it will kill him. And I went ppffhhhhh – he is going to die soon anyway. This is a good way for him to go like. Sure, we’ll have to answer a few questions. And he said, we’re not doing it. And I said, why? And he goes, because mom doesn’t like you already. And I went your mom’s never liked me. That’s why I’m the right guy to kill your brother.
And he said, all right, we’ll do it. But he can’t have full sex. Full sex will kill him. He can only have a blow job and I thought that was fairly reasonable. So we went back in and saw Dan. He was where we left him. And we said, Dan here is the deal, I know you told me not to tell your brother, but I told your brother. Me and him are both going to take you to the knock shop tomorrow, mate, but you can’t have full sex. You can only have a blow job. And Dan went, I want full sex. And his brother Andrew went, Dan you are in no position to argue with anyone ever. Then Dan reluctantly agreed.
Now prostitution in Australia is legal. So I spend the rest of the afternoon going through the phonebook, trying to find a brothel with wheelchair access. Best afternoon ever. Eventually I found one of the biggest brothel in the Southern Hemisphere, the Daily Planet or as the Australians call it, Four Floors of Whores. It’s a 24 hour brothel because Australia is a go ahead country. So we decided we were going to go early in the morning, like real early, like 6 am. We wanted to go when the place is quiet and we weren’t going to cause a scene.
So we wake him up at 6 O’clock in the morning. It’s hard to tell if he is awake. And we get him in his chair, now he hasn’t got the [bog] standard fucking wheelchair. He’s got one of those big – sort of silver looking things with the truck tires on it. I think the model is called a Hawking and – even though his muscles don’t work, they get exhaust. These things can move him from side to side and back to front and even into a full bed.
[Jim Jefferies] Source: LYBIO.net
So we get him in the chair, then we order a taxi and then it is not like you have black cabs out there, it’s like a normal car. But they’ve modified the back to go higher and they drive him up through the boot and they strap him in there and he sits up high with windows all around him like a big retarded Pope or as the Catholics would say, The Pope. And we drive up to the brothel, and then when we get to the brothel it takes 10 minutes to get him off the taxi. I see this is my window of opportunity. So while they’re getting him off the taxi, I run into the brothel.
Now, there is two ways of brothels work, either the prostitutes will stand in a row in their lingerie and you just pick the one that you want or they’ll stand around in a bar in evening gowns in high heels, and you walk up to the one that you like the look of, chat to her for a bit, act like you’ve got some type of connection with an Eastern European women, then take her upstairs and fuck her if you need your life to be this delusional.
This is one of these situations. So while they’re getting Dan out of the cab, I run into the brothel and go, everyone quickly gather around. I haven’t got much time. And these 14 bemused hookers shuffle over and I went look, here is the deal. I have a severely disabled friend with me. If you’re not up for it, speak now or forever hold your peace.
And one of them went, how bad is he? And I went, pretty fucking bad, and 10 of them said, they wouldn’t do it. And I said well, I respect that. But can you please go and hide because I don’t want him to be rejected by hookers. And these 10 girls shuffle away in their evening gowns, in their high heels, with Gonorrhea falling out of them.
I’m now left with four girls, the best looking one by [most days], Dan wheels in, looking like, Jabba the Hutt, breathing like Darth Vader. Two of the girls runaway and I’m like, you fucking kidding you sluts. I just asked you nicely. So I’m now left with two girls. The best looking one is there. The other one is a fucking troll.
Now I had a respect for the ugly one, I go to Dan – I go to Dan, it’s only two girls working today mate, which one do you want? And he said the one in the green dress. Now, neither of them had a green dress. I stand up and look at Andrew and went, what the fuck is all this is about. And Andrew went oh, yeah, his eyes are fucked as well.
Now it turns out that Dan is color-blind, it’s not part of the condition, it’s just unfortunate. So, I sat with the hooker. Now I’m going to pay for everything. Now the reason I’m going to pay for everything is simple. I told Dan and Andrew that I would pay for everything as long as I got to tell this story to hundreds of thousands of people in the future.
And they said of course, you can Jim, but be respectful and change our names, which sounds like the right thing to do, now doesn’t it. Now I haven’t changed their names. Their names are Andrew and Daniel Connor from St. Kilda, Melbourne, Australia. I would have liked to have changed their names. It is the right thing to do.
[Jim Jefferies] Source: LYBIO.net
But I look at it this way. Even if I changed their names, and their parents started watching my comedy, they’d be like my word doesn’t Randy and Steve sound like our kids. Didn’t Jim grow up with a lot of people with muscular dystrophy? (Laughing) So I sat there with the hooker, I said how much for the half hour and she said 180 and I said, I’ll give you 250 because I realized this is a specialty thing you’re doing.
And she goes, I got one question for you, and I said, shoot and she went, is he mentally retarded? And I went, oh, yeah that’s what I do. I find mentally retarded people and take them to prostitutes. I’ll be masturbating in the corner. He doesn’t even know he is here. And she went, okay then but if there is two of you, well. No, he is not mentally retarded. It’s his choice to come in. There is a good chance. He’ll die.
And she went, what am I meant to do with him? And I went, I don’t know. I’ve never been a hooker. But I’m thinking give him a bit of a show, dance around a bit, rub your tits in his face then suck him off, but don’t sit on him or fuck him, it will kill him. (Laughing)
So we go up to the room, and thank God, it was on the first floor. And me and Andrew look at Dan, like two proud parents, watching our child go to school for the first time. And then we leave and as we proceed to leave, I pat Andrew in the back and I said, Andrew you’ve been a good brother today. He said, thanks mate, then we had a hug. Then we had that moment after a hug that Australian man have where we go or get out of it, what’s wrong with you.
And then I said, hey Andrew, how does Dan get his clothes off? And Andrew went, fuck, and we went back in. Andrew looks him up and down, he turns me and goes look. He is very fragile. I know how he likes to be picked up. I’ll lift him up, you take his pants off. Andrew gets behind, lifts him up by his armpits, like I couldn’t have figured out their magical hold.
I’m on my knees, taking Dan’s tracksuit pants off. He always wore tracksuit pants, never got into fashion and as I’m taking his tracksuit pants off, what many of you are wondering is, can Dan get an erection? And the answer is ‘yes’. Even though I know the muscles in his body work, the cock is not a muscle. The cock is bit of a skin that fills with blood. If he gets aroused up here – blood rushes there. Now, what nobody knew about this 32 year old virgin is that Dan’s packing heat. I’m talking 9.5 inches of disabled misery. This cock so fucking big, I think that’s why the rest of his muscles didn’t work. I take the pants off. This thing springs up and hits me in the mouth. Then the hooker goes, let’s do the light.
Let’s explain the light; when they legalized prostitution in Australia, they didn’t legalize it in all forms. For instance, you cannot get a street walking hooker. You cannot get a prostitute to your hotel room. You can only go to a brothel, in a safe environment where they have security for the girls in case a man shows up being drunk and dick head or whatever.
[Jim Jefferies] Source: LYBIO.net
And also it’s safer for the people to go to brothels because the girls get tested for STDs every month. So arguably, you’re better off in Australia fucking a prostitute than picking up a girl in a bar. But I’m not going to have that conversation again. Oh my –
You try explaining that to a girlfriend, it’s a fucking mine fill. But also they make it safer for the girls. If you are a guy who goes to a prostitute, you have to undergo the light. Let’s explain the light, it’s very simple. It sounds like what it is? You put your cock under a very bright light, and they look around the shaft to see if there is anything untoward, then they get a magnifying glass out go through your pubes to make sure nothing is running around. It’s not a big deal. I’ve been rejected heaps of times.
Now the chair is here, there is a bed here, there is a hot tub there, the lights over there. Now we tried to get the chair pass the bed and the hot tub, but we can’t get it through. So me and Andrew walk over the hooker and we are whispering, because we don’t want Dan to hear we’re like and we can’t do the light thing. And she goes if you don’t do the light, I’m not doing it, and me and Andrew went, come on. He is a virgin, what’s the worse that can happen? And she whispered, actually I’m more concerned about its cleanliness.
Then his brother Andrew said loudly and proudly, I washed it before we came out. Now you may think you are a good brother, good sister, good mother, good daughter whatever the fuck you think you are in this world, but you’re nothing until you washed your disabled brothers’ cock to take him to a prostitute. That is love, ladies and gentlemen, tangible fucking love. (Cheering and Applauding)
So he looked at Dan, everyone agreed, it was time to go. He looked at Dan, me and Andrew looked at him and went. “We’re going now mate. If you got anything you want say too, say it now because we’re going to leave mate”. And this is what Dan did: “Eeeeeeeeee! Leave”. So me and Andrew went back down to the bar and we hanged out with the hookers, it was like ten of them sort of mulling around here. I was standing there, I don’t know what Dan’s up to, we were standing around the bar with the other hookers, and then five guys from London walk into the bar who were obviously out of their fucking skulls and coke.
Now if you’ve never taken a lot of coke, if anyone has gotten – if you’ve never taken a coke, when like five or six guys get together and take coke like on a Tuesday, there comes a point in about six in the morning when they go, we better call up some chicks, maybe, and you call up ex-girlfriends, like, bring some friends, bring some friends.
[Jim Jefferies] Source: LYBIO.net
And it’s like – and you don’t know what you’re expecting. So basically these – I think it was a Wednesday, we did this and I think these guys have been on coke or not, and they’ve obviously got work and let’s go down the brothel, we go down the brothel, be fine we’re going to brothel.
And I was standing in the bar, chatting with the hookers and these five guys from London walk in and one of them recognizes me and goes “Jim fucking Jeffries, Jim fucking Jeffries, I know you mate, I know you’re the comedian, the [spaz approved guys], we are the comedian”. And I went hey, how are you doing man? He goes hi Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, you want a line of coke and I went, yes.
And I went up to the toilet and did a line in coke and I come back out and obviously I’ve left Andrew alone for too long, and he was sort of panicking all by himself, and I sort of walk in up. What’s wrong? And he goes, what if we’ve done the wrong thing here, what if he is either dying right now, what if he is stopped fucking breathing or what the fuck – if his heart stop, what the fuck we meant to do? I said not a problem, not a problem. I’ll resuscitate him. And he said, do you know, how to do that? I said, no I don’t, but how can it be, push, push, blow, blow. I even embellished that in the slightest, that’s the exact thing I said to him, push, push, blow, blow.
Then the prostitute walks back in the room, who is with Dan. So I’m standing with a five coke fiends, 10 prostitutes. She walks in the room, it’s like that moment in a movie with a needle on the record, just sort of goes eeey, and everything stopped. And she walked in and she said: “Well, it’s over”. Me and Andrew in unison went, “is he dead?” And her exact words were, “I didn’t check that”. (Laughing)
So me, Andrew, the five coke fiends, the 10 hookers, we all run to the room. Now, he is not dead. He is chair is back in the upright position. His cock is still sitting up majestically, covered in jizz and spit. But for a man who an hour ago couldn’t lift his eyelids, he was sitting there like this.
Now, you might be wondering, why his eyelids were up like that. Let me explain something. It wasn’t through happiness. Tell you something myself. I’m 33 years old. I’ve been masturbating since I was 10 years old, and in that time, I have not missed a day, every single day I masturbate. I haven’t missed a fucking day. Everyday I’m in a hotel room with a laptop way high up on my chest here. So I don’t have to look at the filth of doing to myself. So I’m watching porn here, and nine times out of 10, I hit the Apple’s sign, right.
And I do this every single fucking day, yet I would be mortified if anyone of you was to ever see me doing this, I would want to fucking kill myself. And I do this every single fucking day. Now imagine if you’ve never ejaculated through the power of yourself, you’ve never had another person do it, you’re 32 years old and for the first time, you’ve shot a load of fucking stale jizz all over the fucking room. And you’re sitting there with your cock out and 15 strangers walks in and you do not possess the power to put your cock away.
[Jim Jefferies] Source: LYBIO.net
Can you see how that might be a bit unhinging? So we had to get him dressed quickly. But there is cum everywhere and this time, I look him up and down. I turned to Andrew and said, Andrew I don’t give a fuck how fragile he is. I’m taking the top off this time, and we lifted him up and we put his pants on, and we proceed to leave the brothel.
Now as we left the brothel, I turned to Dan and said Dan, “I’ll pay for your story, please tell me what happened”. And he said, well she danced around a bit, rubbed her tits to my face, and sucked me off, which is what I asked her to do. It’s so nice to be a disabled sex puppetry. But even nicer than that, I used to have a preconceived notion, of what I thought about people, such as prostitutes man, but I was wrong. That woman treated him with dignity and respect and made him feel like a sexual being for the only time in his life, and you can’t put a price on that, all right. Well, 180 is the exact figure. (Laughing)
Then we go out front, and we go to call the taxi, and the taxi driver who drives us there, is still sitting out of the front in his car and he winds his window down looks out and goes, I’ll drive you home for free, I just need to know what happened.
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. Good night.
Jim Jefferies – Brothel Story. And she walked in and she said: “Well, it’s over”. Me and Andrew in unison went, “is he dead?” And her exact words were, “I didn’t check that”. (Laughing) Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.