Jim Gaffigan – Mr. Universe – McDonald’s
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[Jim Gaffigan – Mr. Universe – McDonald’s]
[James Christopher “Jim” Gaffigan (July 7, 1966)] Source: LYBIO.net
I reference McDonald’s a lot because I go to McDonald’s. I love the silence that follows that statement, like I just admitted to support dog fighting or something. How could you? McDonald’s!
It’s fun telling people you go to McDonald’s. They always give me that look like, Oh! I didn’t know I was better than you. No one admits to going to McDonald’s. They sells six billion hamburgers a day. There’s only 300 million people in this country. It’s like I am not a calculus teacher, but I think everyone is lying.
You’ve ever been to McDonald’s and you see a friend, for a second, you’re like, Oh! crap. Eventually I, hey, hey, hey, what’s going on? And they’re just like, I am just here for the 99-Cent ATM, what are you doing here Jim? I am just meeting a hooker. Certainly not eating here that’s for sure. Yeah. He should be here by now, I…
Cause we all now better right. We’ve all read the article, seen those documentaries. It’s the same message. Look McDonald’s is really bad for you. It’s very high in fat and calories and we don’t even know where the meat comes from. And we’re like, that’s disgusting. I’ll have a Big Mac, a large fry, and a two gallon drum of diet coke. Cause there is a McDonald’s denial, we all embrace it. No one is going in there innocent, or walking into a red and yellow building with a giant M over it, what is this, a library? I’ll get some fries while I’m here. Because those McDonald’s fries are truly amazing, right.
Has your mother ever made anything as good as a McDonald’s fry? Not even close. We lie to ourselves when we eat at McDonald’s fries. Oh, they are so thin, they couldn’t be fattening. You ever eat too many McDonald’s fries? Of course not. There is never enough of them. There’s always that moment when you’re eating McDonald’s fries really. What happened? Where did they go? Then you search, scrunching for the fry crumbs. Oh that’ just a piece of paper from the straw, but it was touching the fry so…
Sometimes there is a loose fry in the bag, you know the bonus fry. (applause) It’s like Jesus is up in heaven, give him an extra fry. He’ll pay it forward. By the way, that’s how Jesus sounds or at least I hope you won’t want to meet Jesus, and he’s like: “Hey ya’ll. How you did, you been turning that other cheek, I gave you that bonus fry for a reason. That bonus fry, it’s never a regular size fry, it’s always extra long you’re like, how did I miss you. Bonus fry, you got your own ketchup packet. You always savor your last fry. I’m going to turn this into 10 bites. I’ll meet up with you later, I got the bonus fry. Fries are amazing. For what like seven minutes, then they turn into something that’s likely not biodegradable.
[Jim Gaffigan] Source: LYBIO.net
You ever make the mistake of reheating McDonald’s fries in the microwave, they become packing peanuts. It doesn’t stop you from eating em, I mean, these aren’t even good anymore. Oh, how about yours? Yours aren’t good either. Fries can’t get cold, shakes can’t get warm. You ever leave McDonald’s shake out for an hour, reality sets in. Oh, this is isn’t even made from milk. It’s just some kind of chocolate mucus. But we know all this, yeah, we know those McDonald’s commercials aren’t realistic. Yeah, I just like to see one commercial that show people five minutes after they ate McDonald’s. Oh, now I need a cigarette. I deserve a cigarette break today.
But they get us in there, yes, some of those deals they offer just cruel. Two Big Mac’s for two bucks. I drive by and like, well, I don’t wanna lose money on this. I’ll get 80 of them. I know some of you are like, sorry white trashy guy, I don’t eat McDonald’s. I have friends that brag about not going to McDonald’s. I would never go to McDonald’s. Well, McDonald’s wouldn’t want you because you’re a dick. (applause)
I’m tired of people acting like they are better than McDonald’s. It’s like, you may have never set a foot in McDonald’s, but you have your own McDonald’s, maybe instead of buying a Big Mac, you read Us Weekly. Hey, that’s still McDonald’s. It’s just served up a little different. Maybe your McDonald’s is telling yourself that Starbucks Frappuccino is not a milk shake or maybe watch Glee.
It’s all McDonald’s, McDonald’s are the soul, momentary pleasure followed by incredible guilt eventually leading to cancer. I’m loving it®. We all have our own. We all have our own McDonald’s you know, it may take me awhile to digest my quarter pounder with Cheese, but that tramp stamp is forever. Du du du du du du – Mistake.
Really it’s all McDonald’s out there. Right? How can we all name three people that have dated Jennifer Aniston. It’s McDonald’s and we gobble it up just like those McDonald’s fries, it’s like who is she dating now. I know I shouldn’t, but it’s so salty. Is she pregnant, yet? That’s not even my business. Scarlett Johansson got a hair cut, why do I give a shit. Because it’s McDonald’s and that feels good, going down. By the way if you care who Prince William married, that’s Burger King.
That’s not even our gossip. I just love the societal outrage at McDonald’s. McDonald’s, there is no nutritional value, there is no vitamins. McDonald’s is like, excuse me, we sell Burgers and Fries. We never said, we are a farmers market. Heck, our spokesman is a pedophile clown from the 70’s. What do you want from us America? But I was raised on McDonald’s and I turned out, well maybe that’s not the best reasoning. McDonald’s has given us so much. We wouldn’t know when breakfast ends, if there was no McDonald’s. I’d be eating eggs at 5 PM like a moron. Thank you McDonald’s.
[Jim Gaffigan] Source: LYBIO.net
How are we supposed to now Saint Patrick’s Day is coming up without the Shamrock Shake. (applause) Thank you McDonald’s. Without McDonald’s, how would I communicate to the world that I give up. Because if you’re over the age of 10, and you’re eating McDonald’s, you’ve given up a little bit. That’s all over from me. These fries taste good anyway. (applause)
Jim Gaffigan – Mr. Universe – McDonald’s. Sometimes there is a loose fry in the bag, you know the bonus fry. It’s like Jesus is up in heaven, give him an extra fry. He’ll pay it forward. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.