Hannibal Buress – Stand Up
The Accurate Source To Find Transcription To Hannibal Buress – Stand Up.”
[Hannibal Buress – Stand Up]
[WARNING EXPLICIT LANGUAGE]
[Host] Source: LYBIO.net
Welcome Hannibal Buress. Give it up for Hannibal
[Hannibal Buress (February 4, 1983)]
Hello, you know my least favorite thing about the website You Porn is? They let people comment on a porn and that’s unnecessary. People leave weird comments, that chick I bone her, and I shit on chest and lick it off, who’s with me? Nobody, nobody’s with you, you’re licking shit that’s a disgusting activity. I feel like you should be solo when you’re shit eating endeavors, don’t try to bring me or the rest of the You Porn community into your nonsense. I speak for the whole You Porn community.
Then anytime there is an interracial scene, a black guy and a white woman is always racist comments, fucking niggers, all fucking all white women, like dude are you seriously being a racist and masturbate the same time? Like, nigger the — but I can’t look away from this scene, this couple has amazing on camera chemistry.
That guy is a loser, all those videos have descriptions, you know, that’s you’re going to see before you click on it but this guy still clicked on it because his horniness beat out his racism like that.
I have a situation in my apartment right now I have a surplus of pickle juice in my apartment, too much pickle juice left that the pickles – I don’t like throwing out the pickle juice that feels wasteful. So really I have been dipping my fingers in the pickle juice and I flick it on my sandwiches for flavor like that. Right, how many flicks they take to properly flavor ham sandwich between seven and eleven depending on how big your fingers are and how long you leave them immersed in the pickle juice. There’s lots of variables, I studied this.
I get home one day and all the pickle juice is gone. I asked my roommate, hey man, what happened to the pickle juice. He said, I threw it away, it’s just pickle juice. I said, it’s not just pickle juice, I flick that on my sandwiches for flavor. I told them, hey man, you know I got to hurt one of your lizards now. He has like seven lizards that’s way too many lizards, they don’t do shit. They have never been on Animal Planet, they’re not even famous lizards. They are random lizards. They chill in my apartment all day to have lights on them all the time but they won’t put any money on the light bill, who these lizards get all these free lights, I pay for my lights, I will fry one of those lizards, and have a lizard sandwich and flick pickle juice on it.
I’m a big rap fan. I like rap videos but a lot of them are weird they have to be continued, but they never have a second video, like where is the second video so much suspense. I need to know, ought to go poor more champagne on these bitches. Somebody go and bring a towel these girls are wet, what’s going on here, so much suspense tell me. I saw a Lil Wayne interview, it was bad. This journalist like Lil Wayne, if you could ask George Bush any questions about Hurricane Katrina what would you say and he was like: “I’m a gangster, and gangsters don’t ask questions.” What? Gangsters do ask questions? Asking questions is a big part of being a gangster.
“Hey, mother fucker where is my money?” That’s a question. “Do you want to die tonight?” That’s a question too. “What, what?” That’s two questions. Gangsters always ask questions.
I want to be a gangster, I do, I want to be a crip but minus the gangbanging and shooting people because if you take all that away it seems like they just dance, and go to barbecues, all the time. Just have fun has a gang – hey, cuz, pass the potato salad. These barbecues great, you want to go to bandana shopping after this? I really enjoy being a Crip, comradery is my favorite part.
[Hannibal Buress] Source: LYBIO.net
I was coming out a store early I just bought some Oreo’s and some Chips Ahoy. I get outside, there’s this guy like, “hey brother, it’s my birthday today.” And that was the first time in my life without any sarcasm I can say: “what you want a cookie or something”. Because any other time you say that you’re being me but I made it from my heart, how many cookies you want man? You want seven cookies, that’s way too many cookies, you’re being ridiculous right now, get like three or four cookies and then get out of my face.
Hannibal is my real name. I was named after this General Hannibal Barca but not a lot of people know about him so I felt associated with Hannibal Lecter, in The Silence of the Lambs. It’s not even a real dude. I cannot be Hannibal from The A-Team sometimes. Everyday I had a same conversation with people about my name. Your real name is Hannibal? “Yeah, my real name is Hannibal.” Your parents named you Hannibal? “Yes, my parents named me Hannibal.” “So Hannibal is on your birth certificate?” “Yes, Hannibal is on my birth certificate”. But why just he is asking me the same question in three different ways.
I really want to choke that person to see how they handle that. Are you choking me right now? Yes, I’m choking you right now. Are you using your hands to apply force to my neck? Yes, I’m using my hands to apply force to your neck. Are you trying to stop the circulation of blood and oxygen to my brain so I pass out? Yes, I’m trying to stop the circulation of blood and oxygen to your brain, so you’ll pass out. Some of you all might be wondering, Hannibal, if you were choking that dude why was he still talking regular. And now it’s just the choice I made for that joke. Didn’t feel like doing a choking voice.
I used to live with my girl. I will come home late, she will get upset, “Hannibal where were you it’s 3:00, it’s 3:00” “Like stop focusing on the time. You realize I can do bad shit and still make at home at 7:00 O’ clock.” She’s like, “what would you do if I stayed out at 3:00 in the morning?” “Me, I play video games and celebrate your absence.” I realize recently my judgment gets messed up more by food and juice than does by drugs or alcohol like I love apple juice, I think it’s delicious. I want to start my own apple juice company. I don’t know how you go about doing that, I tried e-mailing some companies for advice, didn’t work out.
One day I get to the grocery store me and my girl, Mott’s fresh pressed natural apple juice at $1.79 for half a gallon, that’s a great sale, we get eight bottles. Eight bottles is all we have on the belt. In front of us is an old man looking back, shaking his head like no, nope. Like what’s wrong old man, you’re made because we got all these apple juice, you can go get some too. It’s over there in aisle-4 but if not, stop judging this and hell yeah, we are hoarding apple juice, taking advantage of the sale before the store realizes what a horrible mistake they’ve made.
[Hannibal Buress] Source: LYBIO.net
And you know well we’re back there happy with our apple juice, you up there lonely with your Hormel Chili, you lonely Hormel Chili eating old man. But, you know, it took me a minute to realize he wasn’t shaking his head because of the apple juice, he was shaking his head because my girlfriend was white and he didn’t agree with that. But I was so caught up in the euphoria of having all that apple juice therefore like a minute I lived in his world where racism didn’t exist. I was like it’s obvious that this old man is just an apple juice hater. Thanks a lot ya’ll, later, later.
Hannibal Buress – Stand Up. I don’t like throwing out the pickle juice that feels wasteful. So really I have been dipping my fingers in the pickle juice and I flick it on my sandwiches for flavor like that. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.