Daniel Simonsen On Russell Howard’s Good News
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[Daniel Simonsen On Russell Howard’s Good News]
[Daniel Simonsen] Source: LYBIO.net
Are you okay?
[Audience] Source: LYBIO.net
Yeah. I’m Daniel. I’m a comedian from Norway, so it’s going to be a lot of fun. Yeah. I think comedians always speak in the same way, you know, like you come out on the stage, you say, “Hey, how you guys doing? So is there a good mood in the crowd. Anybody been to the bank?”
I’d never talk like that if I was in a dinner, you sit around the dinner table, “Hey, how you guys doing?” “Enjoying the food?” “Anybody been to the bank?” “I went to the bank the other day, but it was closed, so I just went home.” I was really disappointing with that joke is, there would have been more fun for the audience if the bank was open, and something funny happened. But it was just closed, so it really sucks for you guys. It would have been funny, if there was some guy there and he took out money, he took out too much, and he was, oh, no, too much money. But that didn’t happen, because the bank was closed.
I had to leave Norway because in Norway it’s only one comedy club in the whole country, and the best comedian; he is really shit. He dresses as a cat when he’s on the stage. So – that guy is me. (applause)
I don’t know, I’ve been doing the open mic circuit quite a lot in London, so compared to that this is insane, you know, I often perform in front of three people, and suddenly two of them leave. So I’m talking to one guy and a microphone. That’s almost worse for him than it is for me. Like I’m standing there. Would have been really weird if it was really cracking up. Oh, oh, it’s too much. Hoo, shut up please, I can’t take it. I think I’m going to faint, you know.
People often do this, they often exaggerate how funny things is, and my friend is always saying, man it was so funny that I shot myself. But I think if that actually happened, he wouldn’t live to tell anybody. He’d say, I have to go home. See you guys later. And it’s not something you brag about, you know, I just shot my pants. Oh, really respect.
I don’t know, I’ve been doing a lot of strange jobs here in London because I have an accent. Did you ever have a job that is so shit that if you put it on your CV, it makes you look more shit? On my first job in the UK, I carried urine samples -ya. I didn’t even know that was a job. They call me from this work centers, hello, Mr. Simonsen, we found a job that we think you’re perfectly qualified for. And that was to carry piss.
What I’ve been lately right is to handout flyers for a dentist, and when I do that I’m dressed as a tooth, and even when you’re dressed as a tooth, people pretend that they don’t see you. It’s really ridiculous I’m this big tooth. Oh, I can’t see that, I can’t see that big tooth outside of the tube. And my friend is dressed as a toothbrush; he’s like rubbing up against me. Everybody pretend they can’t see it, you know. Oh, I can’t see the tooth, who’s getting raped. LYBIO.net
I’m always watching movies, did you ever see Rocky?
[Daniel Simonsen] Source: LYBIO.net
I never understand why he doesn’t protect his face when he’s boxing; it’s a really strange way of fighting. Pppp ahhh push ahhh – Pppp ahhh push ahhh What I thought the first time somebody punched you in the face, maybe I should protect my face.
Even in the break, his coach doesn’t mention it, you know. I think you have to attack, go a little bit faster, he never says maybe we should protect your face, it’s really bleeding. I think he’s going to knock you out. So he goes back. Pppp ahhh push ahhh – Pppp ahhh push ahhh He never gets knocked out, he’s standing there for 12 rounds, Pppp ahhh push ahhh – Pppp ahhh push ahhh until he can’t see anything, you know. Adrian, I can’t see. Forgot to protect my face.
I’m quite a nervous guys, I’ve always been quite shy. I don’t know if you’ve ever been sitting with a group of people, and you don’t say anything. I know somebody notice this that you are not talking. It’s like why you are not talking? And thought it will make it easier for you to talk. Oh, I forgot. But thank you for pointing that out. And now I can just really let go.
One of the hardest things about being shy is that, you don’t have anywhere to live; because all the flat shares are looking for outgoing people. I saw some ad on the Internet like; seeking a really outgoing confident person, because everybody in this house is very outgoing. I never met people who are so outgoing in my life. Everyday we cook together, and we sing songs when we’re cooking. So we need you to come to a viewing, and show us how outgoing you are. If you don’t have that quality, you have to pay a council tax.
So you have to go to a viewing and pretend that you are outgoing. So hey, how are you doing? Yeah, come on let’s dance. It’s 8 o’clock in the morning. Yeah, take off your T-shirt, yeah, come on let’s party, you know.
I’ve never seen an ad what actually look for shy people. Seeking a really insecure shy person who spends all day in his room, because at this house we like to avoid each other, we don’t even know each other’s names. Some guy living here with really long dreads, I don’t know who he is, who is that guy? I hope he lives here, but I’m too shy to ask him. So if that that sounds like you, give us a call or even better write an e-mail, I don’t like to speak on the phone.
Really difficult to be a human being, you know, I always have this negative voice in the head. You have ever done something really awkward, and then you think about it for eight years. So everyday, say oh, oh, god, oh, Jesus, I can’t believe you did that, oh!
But this negative voice, is not the first thing you hear in the morning. Oh, good morning looser, how are you going to humiliate us today? I can’t wait to see what you’ve got up your sleeve. It’s almost like it’s just lying there waiting for you to wake up. Hey, dude, dude are you awake? Yeah, what? I wish you were somebody else. I think like 90% of the people in the world, they have this. I’m sure it’s some guy in Spain. And then you have 10% who are really into themselves. Yeah, such an amazing guy, people really like me, I’m a very appealing personality, and those people are on cocaine.
One of the things that I often find difficult is to walk past people I know in the street. I sometimes I get so nervous that I say hello too early. 300 meters before we pass, and then where are you supposed to look until he get close enough to say hello, you can’t just walk towards that person, you like you stare at them, so most people they start nodding to you several times. And then I always pretend, I haven’t seen them, which is really stupid because I already said hello. Now when I get close enough to say hello, I want to pretend that I just see them then.
I get so stressed, so it sounds so planned, oh, my god, it’s you. That was the last thing I expected. I didn’t see you over there when I said hello. And then you just think about that for three years. You wake up in the morning, oh, that was embarrassing, oh, you’re such a looser ah, I have to throw up.
Did you ever say bye too early? You are in a bus, and some guy next to you, see you later man, but the door isn’t open yet. You have to stand and wait for it to open. I thought it was open. It finally opens; you realize it’s not your stop. In the end he leaves the bus before you. This is a little bit fucked up.
When you have a lot of anxiety you have to shit all the time, and that’s the last place you want a problem, it’s with your ass. You want to be allergic to cats, because if you pat the cat, and you have to sneeze, it’s really sweet, right? But if you have to shit every time you pat the cat, it’s not so cool. So you just got to keep it in, that’s when your stomach start to make this strange noises. ERRRR ERRRRR ERRR It really sucks when they never end, and so on and on. ERRRRRRRRR ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR That’s why people with IBS suck at hide and seek. Ya
I couldn’t make a living from that tooth job – I was talking about, you know. For a while here in England, I had to apply for housing benefits, and I didn’t want the girls that I live with to find that out, so they tell me at the benefits office, don’t worry Mr. Simonsen, we’re not going to tell your flat mates.
[Daniel Simonsen] Source: LYBIO.net
Then one day, we get a council tax bill in the mail, and it says the council tax in the house is going down, and the reason why is because somebody in the house has some benefits. No, we won’t tell your flat mates, but we might leave little clues, sent in the mail. Thank you guys. You’ve been excellent. Take care.
Daniel Simonsen On Russell Howard’s Good News. Did you ever say bye too early? You are in a bus, and some guy next to you, see you later man, but the door isn’t open yet. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.