Chris Kendall – Crabstickz – What Am I? What Is All This?
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[Chris Kendall – Crabstickz – What Am I? What Is All This?]
[Chris Kendall – Crabstickz:] Source: LYBIO.net
Okay, let me just start by saying I’m trying really hard to do a video today. I’ve been taking a few of these films, shots, takes okay. And you guys know I’m being struggling. You can see it you know, I see all the time in the comments on Tumbler, okay, you guys know I have been struggling. This is – this is a hard time to make YouTube. I don’t know if all of you follow me on Twitter, but there was a hash tag recently where everybody had like it was called YouTube. Hash tag, #YouTubeHonestlyHour, where everybody lost their minds.
YouTube is really difficult at the moment and I think I know what it is and I think I suffer from it because it’s something I’ve been doing wrong for a long time.
I’m not telling the truth. I’m not doing – I’m not being truthful. I think that’s what it is.
I think the reason why I do some videos for a while and then I disappear is because I’m pretending to be Crabstickz. I’m pretending to be this parody character this kind of version of myself this as you know like – a British Jim Carrey or something.
And I’ve realized that there is no reason to do that there is – there’s no reason to do that. There’s no reason to be on YouTube pretending to be someone you’re not right.
Am I right?
You’re going to have to bear with me. For the next few YouTube videos – I mean if I’m going to tell the truth, I don’t know how to describe what I’ve been going through over the past year or two years, whether you call it a depression or anxiety or breakdown, I don’t want to call it because I’m being diagnosed and you got to be careful with that shit because it’s like people will say you know whatever.
But something has gone wrong, something went wrong.
But the interesting thing is, I’m rebuilding and I’m coming back, but this rebuilding feeling is really delicate. It’s like I don’t want to come back and do the same mistake again. And I think the previous video I just did was the same mistake again.
I did something where I was pretending to be a character – pretending to be whoever Crabstickz is, Crabstickz I guess is this character this kind of uh… over-the-top vision of me and I’m trying to be normal right now and this is difficult. This is so difficult to be normal because I’m trying to get across what’s going on and it’s so difficult now because YouTube is like professional. It’s like everybody’s channel. It’s like a TV channel.
[Crabstickz:] Source: LYBIO.net
It’s like everyone says the right words and they get it right and no one – if you fluff it up then you take the take again and if you’re not feeling in the mood then you just – you press record and then you delete it, and then you press record and you delete it and this can go on for hours.
I know other YouTubers will know. I mean.
You guys probably won’t know because the video that goes up from a YouTuber is just like, oh this is – they just did this today. And I bet you anything all the YouTubers will tell me that they will take twenty takes, just false starts over and over again.
And I think something has gone wrong with YouTube I think – and it’s not YouTube’s fault, there is something that’s going wrong with us YouTubers and me especially.
So I don’t know what I’m feeling today. I did a tweet today saying: I will do a Q&A with you guys and I want to start doing that again.
Well, it’s just like I then sat down with a pen – okay how can I make this funny, how should I – I’ll pretend to be angry and this question and was like hmmmm.
I’ve realized that that’s what the – that’s how the energy goes; it’s having to be funny all the time when really I just want to connect.
I don’t know what’s going on inside my tiny monkey mind.
It just feels like I’m on the cusp of realizing what YouTube is and it’s like its – its something to do with the universe and emotion, rather than ego and trying to present myself as something, trying to present my YouTube channel as a – I don’t know a portfolio, of like, oh, this is what I can do. So I don’t know, look how talented I am, but I’m not – like I’m really not, like, I know you guys will be like, ‘oh my god you know Chris, you are – you know you are really funny’, but I’m not I’m not saying this in a negative, I’m not trying to put myself down way. I’m saying it takes – it takes so much energy to do the videos, I do and they are crap anyway.
When really what I want to do is do this. It’s like I’ve been finding before I do a video, I will just talk to myself for a little bit. And the talk that I have with myself is better than the kind of the stuff that I come up with.
[Crabstickz:] Source: LYBIO.net
Like if we got this Internet, if I got 600,000 like subscribers, why am I – why don’t I use that to do something like better than just every three months I’ll upload something that doesn’t make sense and confuses people and confuses me like I don’t know what I am doing, I don’t know what those three videos were, I don’t know what that video I did here was.
I don’t know what it is. I don’t know – when I turn on the camera, it’s got be – it’s got to be over the top hasn’t it. It’s got to be like a comedy thing because that’s why I’ve set myself up as, well, I’m funny. And so you can see I’m struggling. You can see that I am finding hard to explain and give me your thoughts, even though I’ve not really posed a question. I guess that question is why on YouTube do we have to be so fucking cool because I am not cool like I’m a loser and I – and in the nicest possible way, I’m – I’m a loser. But yet on the Internet, I’ve got to pretend them like I am so clever.
Okay, so this is how I wrap this up. I’ll wrap this up easy, okay, to so this video as usable. And this is a question to you guys.
[Crabstickz:] Source: L Y B I O . N E T
What’s – what’s going on? What is going on with the YouTube right now? Why do I feel this way [burps] and why did I do that?
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