Charlie Day’s Merrimack College Commencement Address
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[Charlie Day’s Merrimack College Commencement Address]
[Christopher E. Hopey – Intro] Source: LYBIO.net
I now have the honor of introducing this years commencement speaker Mr. Charlie Day. A few of you may have heard something about Mr. Day. He arrived at our campus from Rode Island in the fall of 1994.
[Christopher E. Hopey] Source: LYBIO.net
Intent on a college experience that included varsity baseball. He soon – he soon turned his time and talents to other pursuits as a Fine Arts student he was an active participant in theater productions and after his graduation in 1998 he found himself auditioning in roles on a broader stage. His work in the theaters brought him to television and he helped to develop and stars in the program ‘It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia’ and his work on the wide screen has included many well regarded films. His role today is even more significant. It gives me great honor and pride to welcome to the podium a true son of Merrimack, the Colleges 64th Commencement speaker Mr. Charlie Day.
[Charles Peckham “Charlie” Day (born February 9, 1976)]
Good morning Merrimack. I’d like to thank President Hopey, trustees, faculty, students, parents, and my apologies to all the grandparents in the audience who have absolutely no idea who I am. (Audience laughs)
[Charlie Day] Source: LYBIO.net
And I like to say there is nothing more exhilarating than getting to follow a great speech by an Ugandan refugee. A terrible position to be in but I’ll do my best. And well done Kennedy.
You are graduating from an excellent school today. Alumni have gone on to be CEO’s, politicians, professional athletes, however this year you get to receive wisdom, life lessons, from a man who has made a living pretending to eat cat food.
Now, I do however have some qualifications, some insight, because I, like you are becoming today, am a Merrimack College Graduate. Thank you – I know what it took to get here. I was in this very room. I sat in those uncomfortable chairs. I dressed like some sort of medieval pastry chef and I too desperately hoped that my hangover would wear off. Yeah – that one knows…. If you can just make it to brunch you should be alright.
Take note. A quick observation.
Apparently the higher in life you climb in life the more ridiculous your hats become. Like the one I’m wearing today, or the pope’s or Pharrell. So if in some way you fear success, just think of the hats and that should motivate you.
This may be hard to believe but it was roughly twenty years ago that as a freshman I came to this campus. I remember it well. My parent’s who are here today and I’m not thinking my mother as much as Kennedy… I’m sorry. But …
I remember the tears in their eyes. I remember my own nervous excitement. I can recall entering the dash of the Ash dormitory. Walking to my [ ]…. oh there they are. Walking to my room my heart was pounding with what the future might hold. I grabbed on to the door handle, grabbed it tight, only to discover it had been covered with Vaseline.
It was a real lame prank by the 3rd floor boys. And I thought to myself this is how it’s gonna be here: they have no idea who just arrived on campus.
Later that day, I befriended a man named Ed with a similar penchant for mischievousness. And that night we went to the third floor community boys bathrooms and cut all their shower curtains at waist high. Thank you – that’s right.
Leaving the third floor boys with a diabolical option the next morning. Don’t take a shower or take the most embarrassing shower of your life.
My apologies for the destruction of school property. I promise to donate two shower curtains. You’ll have to dig up Ed to get the third.
Well Merrimack has come a long way since my time. The campus has grown. The quality of student clearly improved.
U.S. News & World Report has ranked Merrimack as one of the top ten regional colleges in the north east. Well done – well done.
In my time there was a young man here who has scored in the zero percentile on his SAT’s meaning nobody in the nation did worse than this man. This was a man who once told someone he wished he lived when it was black and white.
This is the same man who said to someone with complete seriousness tha he would take their advice in to cooperation. This man, of course … was my room mate.
Did you think it was me? Did you think it was me? No – no you’re confusing me with my tv character. No. I’m much smarter – infact I’m a doctor now. I have a PHD. And I’d like to thank the school with bestowing me with this pretigese. And although I realize today I am joining the ranks of my fellow doctors like Mike Tyson and Kermit the Frog, and although I acknowledge that Doctor Charlie Day sounds like some sort of club DJ, I assure you, I intend to go by this title from now on. And I plan to begin writing my own prescriptions immediately.
Alright now, I know that having an a honorary doctorate degree will do nothing for me, but I’m here to tell you today that your degrees, the ones you toiled to get, the ones you actually took classes to earn, those degrees, will also basically do nothing.
Let me clarify. You can not exchange your degree for cash. You can not have a degree audition or interview for you. You can not eat it. Please do not make love to it. You can maybe smoke it but I wouldn’t advise it. A college degree collects dust. It does nothing. It does however mean something.
It tells your community. It says: “I have expanded my mind and destroyed my liver but I didn’t give up.”
And although 44 of you today took more than 4 years to accomplish that goal, you don’t have to tell no one that.
There they are.
Think of the plus side, you gave your parents a couple more years of nobody living in their basement.
Now all jokes aside, you all should be very proud. This is an impressive chapter of your lives. And I know that you are curious of what will happen from here. Well let me tell you, Dr. DJ is here to help.
I have been in your shoes. Not literally of course. I wouldn’t go anywhere near your shoes. I’m sure they all reek of beer and vomit.
But my point is this.
I was in this room and this is a rare opportunity for me to say something to myself 20 years ago – here is my advice. “Charlie, lay off the dark beer and the bread. You’re getting puffy. Don’t worry about that girl. I mean, she’s not that into you. Let it go. She’s gonna regret it. Yeah – that’s right.
There’s gonna be a whole Y2k think, don’t worry about it – like nothings gonna happen.
Alright, now I realize this isn’t the most useful exercise for you but I’m pretty happy with the choices I made after Merrimack. My life is pretty sweet.
So, I’d like to tell you three quick stories about some of those choices I made when I left here, some of the things that led me from that chair to this podium.
8:35 (more to come, check back.)
Charlie Day’s Merrimack College Commencement Address. So if in some way you fear success, just think of the hats and that should motivate you. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.