Bill Burr – Night Of Too Many Stars 2012
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[Bill Burr – Night Of Too Many Stars 2012]
[WARNING EXPLICIT LANGUAGE]
[Jon Stewart (Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz; November 28, 1962)]
He’s actually not only one of the funniest comics working today? His name is really fun to say, ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr.
[William “Bill” Burr (June 10, 1968)] Source: LYBIO.net
Hi, thank you, thank you. How are you? How is it going? Still got some life in you? Awesome. I can’t wait for these elections to be over, you know, it’s like enough already. Just fucking pick somebody. How many more goddamn debates are going to be, right? Thousand points of light, health insurance trickling down, everybody gets applesauce. It doesn’t matter.
I’m trying – I want to find an honesty guy. You know what I mean, some guy who’s just going to get on TV and be like, look in order for this whole thing to work at least two-thirds of you need to just go to the beach and walk into the ocean. There is only so much chicken and freshwater left. If you’re not in that upper third just be honest with yourselves, you know, they should have auditions. Whatever you do you got audition to still be here, right? You’re a plumber; fix that sink better than 70% of the other fuckers and that’s it, put some wrenches in your pocket, go to the beach and out you go.
Yeah, straight across the board, dentists, comedians, I do it, I’d stand in the line with a bunch of clowns, all right, tumblers and shit. I wouldn’t make it. I wouldn’t. You know I take comfort in knowing that, there is no way I’m making it. I’m useless. I am. I’m 44, I’m not married, I don’t have any kids, why am I still here? Just another person taking up space, walking into a Starbucks, oh, Sheryl Crow CD, right, why am I here?
[Bill Burr] Source: LYBIO.net
I have a horrible science background. Do you know cruise ships blow my mind? Blow my mind. I don’t get, how something that big in metal can float? I don’t get it. It makes no sense. And there is always some nerd there to try to explain it, well, area times the mass, I’ll fuck you with your magic. I don’t get it. Its got a smokestack, its got an anchor, right? Dude, explain the pool? How could you have a pool on a boat? You dug a hole in the boat, filled it with water and you got fat people going in it. That’s game – set – match.
Speaking of nerds, when is – when is the nerd epidemic just going to end? Like, when is the nerd bubble just going to burst? They’re fucking everywhere. Every show, they got some guy with black-frame glasses, you know, I’m kind of awkward, I don’t know how to talk to the opposite sex. Like I’m supposed – this is supposed to like inspire me?
When I was a kid, nerds had shame. They had shame. They had horrible days at school. They were stuffed in lockers, left there overnight, reading whatever they could find. And then in the morning, janitor let them out and then they got their shit kicked out of them for wearing the same stuff two days in a row. Now they’re walking around all proud, double pocket protectors, black socks yanked up. This is what happens when you get rid of bullying, it is. When you get rid of a species natural predator, it just grows exponentially.
Actually nerd Jesus died in the last year, right? Steve Jobs. Yeah, he died right. I know, I know, a lot of nerds here tonight. I know you’re sad. I didn’t get it. I didn’t get the big deal they made about that guy. When he died they were like he changed the world, what they say. He changed the world. The world was one way and then Steve Jobs came and it was another.
What did he do? Somebody for the love of god, what the fuck did that guy do? What he do, he told other people what to invent. I want my entire music collection in that phone, get on it. Right. And then these poor nameless, faceless scientists just got to go in a bathroom and figure it out. How the fuck are we going to get all of this into this? I mean what year does this guy think this is? This is crazy. This is like Buck Rogers do my kid has a birthday and like 11 months.
Steve Jobs just walking by, I don’t hear any thinking going on in there. Just strut around the office, eating some pretentious fruit like a pear, all right, he was throwing out ideas, another one, another one, I just came up with on the way to work. I was reading a magazine the other day, turning pages, you know, I like to turn pages on a screen that aren’t even there. Yeah, wrap your fucking heads around that guys.
See you in eight years, where you’re going, Michael, big little, big little, get on it, right. Then all these people slave away to make his vision come true and then they have the big nerd fest, right, down there at Comic Con, and all their nerd mecca, they are all showing up with their acme and their Halt shirts limping into the arena, right. Then Steve Jobs go out with a whole chorus line of scientists, now he goes out there by himself, sneakers and no belt, like it was no biggie, all right. Like he is Tesla, tapping in to the atmosphere, I know this is always uncomfortable, I know, you bought into it right, that all advertising the way they align themselves with some of the greatest people of all time, Jesus, Gandhi, me.
Remember that Mohammed Ali, John Lenin, this guy. How the fuck was that dude like any of them. Gandhi didn’t have a sweatshop. No, he didn’t have people leaping to their desk only to get – catch a net and get ricochet back through the window to have to put together yet another iPad. John Lenin didn’t have children in his basement pressing those fucking albums.
[Bill Burr] Source: LYBIO.net
I know, I know. New phone can’t fit the old charger, this is your hero? This is the guy. This is what all the silence is about. New phone can’t fit the old charger and then you got to throw it out, ends up in the ocean around some octopuses’ neck. Do you realize how much sea life is ecstatic that that man is no longer walking the earth? That’s where it all ends up you know. It doesn’t go on a landfill ends up in the ocean, do you realize that? I hate people who say I don’t pollute, I don’t pollute. Yeah, you do. You use it and you throw it out. What do you think because you put in like a basket it just poof, disappears, everything you ever used is somewhere, you even think about that, what about that flannel shirt you bought back in the day when you got into Pearl Jam, that’s out there somewhere, probably on some corpus’s face, trying to get it off, stupid little flippers.
All the fads, you remember rollerblading? Remember that? Everybody had them. We set up cones; we did little tricks, right? One little homophobic joke killed that entire fad. What’s the hardest part about rollerblading? Telling your parents you’re gay. Full grown adults, dude, I’m not gay. I don’t have the cooties. These things mean I suck dick. And they just threw them out. They end up in the ocean. They’re made of plastic, they don’t biodegrade. They just break down into little cubes. Fish will breath them in. Six months later, you’re going out, you’re getting sushi. You think you’re being healthy. You’re eating your old roller-blades.
All right, I’m out of time. You guys are great. Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Bill Burr – Night Of Too Many Stars 2012. You remember rollerblading? Remember that? Everybody had them. We set up cones; we did little tricks, right? One little homophobic joke killed that entire fad. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.