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[Bill Burr – 5 Minute Stand Up]
[WARNING EXPLICIT LANGUAGE]
Let’s keep the comedy rolling. All the way from the United States of America, Mr. Bill Burr.
[William “Bill” Burr (June 10, 1968)] Source: LYBIO.net
Alright thank you. Thanks a lot. How’s it going?
[Bill Burr] Source: LYBIO.net
Great. It’s nice to be here. I’m at that age where everybody I know is getting married. Let me ask you a question, why the hell do people keep getting married? You know what I mean, isn’t anybody looking at the stats? You know what I mean; 3 out of 4 marriages go right down the shitter right? If you were going skydiving, and they told you 3 out of 4 parachutes weren’t going to open, you’d be like. “Yo fuck that! I’m not goin!” I mean like I don’t like those odds. I have a 75% chance of splattin on the ground. But there’s something about getting married. People just have to do it. Right? They’re just like, is this the line to lose half my shit? Awesome! This is gonna be great! No I’m just kidding. I love women. I’m just not compatible with them. They got too much energy for me. They always have to be doing something. You know like they can’t, like, take a day off. You can’t have a day off when you have a girlfriend. They just see the open day and go. “Oh my god! Let’s fucking fill it up with shit”. Oh and they just come at you with like one horrible idea after another. They have the worst ideas. They do.
Did they ever give you this one like like: “You wanna go to brunch? You wanna go to brunch on Sunday?” And inside you’re like. “FUCKING NO! But you can’t say that, you gotta keep her happy right. So what do you do? You agree. “Yeah. Let’s go to brunch. What a great idea. “Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pays $52 for eggs. Now you’re thinking! Then we can sit around and listen to your friends have moronic conversations about the eggs. You know, like “Is that pesto? Is that pesto in your omelet? Oh! It’s asparagus! It’s asparagus! I thought it was pesto!””
I was dating this girl recently. She was like really into like women’s issues, you know? Cause women always go on TV and they say all they want is to be treated exactly like guys, but if you listen to them, they don’t. All they want is the good shit of being a guy. They’re cherry-picking. They’re looking at guys’ life like it’s a like a buffet, right. Like you just could start picking out stuff, like “Same amount an hour, we’ll take some of that. Pay for the movie. Fuck that– you can keep that. I don’t like that. This is nice. That’s yucky. That’s icky.”
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Come on, people. You can’t choose. This girl gives me shit, she goes: ““Well why does a guy make more an hour to do the exact same job?”” I go “I’ll tell you why. Because in the unlikely event that we’re both on a Titanic and it starts to sink. For some fucked up reason, you get to leave with the kids, and I have to stay.” That’s why I get a dollar more an hour. No it’s a dollar an hour surcharge.
You hear a bump in the night, I gotta go check it out, like, yes! He does have a knife! Anytime there’s a hostage situation who do they negotiate for? “Well at least let the women and children go.” Well, what about me?! You think I wanna stay in the vault with those 20 other sweaty guys, sharing a bag of peanuts you know? Prayin’ to God I’m not the hostage who gets dragged out by the psycho. With a gun to my head as he’s asking the cops for a helicopter. Which I know he’s not gonna get, right? I know he’s not getting the helicopter. So now I’ve gotta make idle conversation with a .38 to my head going. “Dude, go for the rent-a-car. I think you should go for the rent-a-car.” LYBIO.net
See what I’m saying? where are all those feminists then? You can’t find ‘em! You have no feminists in a house fire. You can take the most hardcore feminists. You know some chick right in your face. “You chauvinistic son of a bitch”, you know. Little short little haircut, you know. Second those flames break out, she’ll twist those little hairs into little pigtails. “Ooo. I’m just a girl. I wanna go play jump rope.”
You know that’s why I hated that movie the “Titanic.” Every girl I meet thinks that movie’s romantic. It’s irritating. They think, “That was really romantic, don’t you think?” It’s like NO! It’s a fucking horror film! And they’re always like “why” and I’m like because all the guys die”. See you’re watching it trying to relate going “Who would I be” and you’d be that chick floating away on the big piece of luggage, right? I’m watching it going “who would I be” I’d be that dude who when the bulk breaks in half, the dude who like falls straight down and bangs off the shit and goes in the water. That’s who I’d be. I’d be wearing a tuxedo, not cause I wanted to be but you wanted to dress up that night, right. I’d be falling – I’d be falling the whole way down going “I should have fucked that chick in first class!…” Listen. I’m out of time. You guys are a lot of fun. Thank you very much. Good night, thank you.
The very funny Bill Burr.
Bill Burr – 5 Minute Stand Up. “Well why does a guy make more an hour to do the exact same job?” I go “I’ll tell you why. Because in the unlikely event that we’re both on a Titanic and it starts to sink. For some reason, you get to leave with the kids, and I have to stay.” That’s why I get a dollar more an hour. Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue, Remarks, Saying, Quotes, Words And Text.